Maybe those people with the tinfoil hats were right.

I guess you’ve heard the claims that the U.S. Government used electronic surveillance to track “terrorists.” My first thought was, “Duh.” I assumed the CIA tracked us from the moment of our birth. But maybe tinfoil does keep the government from reading your mind. Because that’s about the only thing they haven’t infiltrated. . . . or have they?

(No matter what they say, these people are not milkmen.)

Here are some ways to tell if the CIA is tracking you:

• You have a new friend on Facebook named Agent Johnson.
• You think about ordering pizza and Domino’s shows up at your door.
• You’re trying to watch Game of Thrones but the channel keeps changing to the latest congressional hearing.
• General David Petraeus moves next door.

(“Hi. I’m the new PTA president.”)

• Your Comcast installer says he has to add a special “feature” to your landline and cell phones.
• As you listen to your police scanner, you realize they are talking about your house.
• Your water meter has been checked several times in the last few days.
• You find someone living in your doghouse.
• You type “Is the CIA watching me?” onto Google, and this is what shows up:

• The ice cream truck has been parked in front of your home for a really long time.
• You reach in the fridge to grab the milk, and someone hands it to you.
• You see someone run across your lawn yelling, “We’ve been compromised!!”
• All your mail has been opened and re-sealed with duct tape.
• You hear someone say “Bless you” when you sneeze. But you’re home alone.

Now, granted, some of those things can happen with no CIA involvement. But if one or more of these occur regularly, you might want to change your name and move to Brazil. Stay safe, my friends.