Required List of New Year’s Resolutions 2013


I’m not a quitter. So I’m not going to stop eating See’s chocolates for breakfast or reduce the amount of television I watch in 2013. I think instead of quitting things, like swearing and robbing banks, New Year’s resolutions should be about finding new ways to waste time, talent and money–just like the Kardashians!

So, in 2013, I hereby resolve to:

  • Enroll in air guitar classes.
  • Figure out what this “video game” fad is all about.
  • Become a professional organ grinder. (Anyone know where I can buy a cute monkey?)

organ grinder

(Bringing back old-school entertainment. Very old school.)

  • Learn how to wrangle carts.
  • Perfect my mime skills. (I’ve learned not to have a real heart attack whilst miming.)
  • Finalize the plans on my time machine.
  • Get addicted to Here Comes Honey Boo Boo episodes.

honey boo

(Because what can’t go wrong here?)

  • Enter the wild world of snake milkers.
  • Learn to like kale.
  • Create a new celebratory gesture. We already have the high-five and the fist bump–how about the ear slap or the knee tap?
  • Start a movement to bring back Chisenbop.
  • Buy Hostess and bring back Donettes and Ding Dongs.
  • Finally read the rules to Monopoly. (I hate that game.)
  • Pick up some new urban slang so I can talk to my grandkids.
  • Solve a Rubik’s cube without using a hammer.


(I really hate this little freakin’ cube of frustration and anger.)

Happy New Year!

10 thoughts on “Required List of New Year’s Resolutions 2013

  1. (Several deleted comments later) I resolve to use my backspace and delete keys more often. And thank you Peri for all of your wonderful suggestions, each of which seem to be worth trying, with the exception of snake milking which is an image of total grossness. I’m sure thanks go to Pink Ninjabi, for now we’d all rather eat kale.


  2. Chrystal BUtterfield

    I don’t use a hammer on the rubix cube it is much easier to peel the stickers off . When you are done you have a cube that is all the same colour !


  3. I was originally going to leave a comment for Peri, but in addition to that, I want to thank Pink for the recipe! Peri, great article. I intend to increase my time-wasting moments by watching even more movies and spend even more money by doing more on-line shopping! Wow! I now LIKE New Year’s Resolutions. Thanks, Peri!


  4. Love your resolutions! Kale is great! I mean, slightly cooked with oil and water and add a dash of soya sauce and sesame oil before munching down. 😀 You can apparently bake them too to make kale chips. Chard and collard are great greens too with the same method above. 😀 Happy New Year!



  5. yourothermotherhere

    Thanks for the smiles…!


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