I’m not a quitter. So I’m not going to stop eating See’s chocolates for breakfast or reduce the amount of television I watch in 2013. I think instead of quitting things, like swearing and robbing banks, New Year’s resolutions should be about finding new ways to waste time, talent and money–just like the Kardashians!
So, in 2013, I hereby resolve to:
- Enroll in air guitar classes.
- Figure out what this “video game” fad is all about.
- Become a professional organ grinder. (Anyone know where I can buy a cute monkey?)
(Bringing back old-school entertainment. Very old school.)
Learn how to wrangle carts.
Perfect my mime skills. (I’ve learned not to have a real heart attack whilst miming.)
- Finalize the plans on my time machine.
- Get addicted to Here Comes Honey Boo Boo episodes.
(Because what can’t go wrong here?)
- Enter the wild world of snake milkers.
- Learn to like kale.
- Create a new celebratory gesture. We already have the high-five and the fist bump–how about the ear slap or the knee tap?
- Start a movement to bring back Chisenbop.
- Buy Hostess and bring back Donettes and Ding Dongs.
- Finally read the rules to Monopoly. (I hate that game.)
- Pick up some new urban slang so I can talk to my grandkids.
- Solve a Rubik’s cube without using a hammer.
(I really hate this little freakin’ cube of frustration and anger.)
Happy New Year!