I’m not a quitter. So I’m not going to stop eating See’s chocolates for breakfast or reduce the amount of television I watch in 2013. I think instead of quitting things, like swearing and robbing banks, New Year’s resolutions should be about finding new ways to waste time, talent and money–just like the Kardashians!

So, in 2013, I hereby resolve to:

• Enroll in air guitar classes.
• Figure out what this “video game” fad is all about.
• Become a professional organ grinder. (Anyone know where I can buy a cute monkey?)

(Bringing back old-school entertainment. Very old school.)

• Learn how to wrangle carts.
• Perfect my mime skills. (I’ve learned not to have a real heart attack whilst miming.)
• Finalize the plans on my time machine.
• Get addicted to Here Comes Honey Boo Boo episodes.

(Because what can’t go wrong here?)

• Enter the wild world of snake milkers.
• Learn to like kale.
• Create a new celebratory gesture. We already have the high-five and the fist bump–how about the ear slap or the knee tap?
• Start a movement to bring back Chisenbop.
• Buy Hostess and bring back Donettes and Ding Dongs.
• Finally read the rules to Monopoly. (I hate that game.)
• Pick up some new urban slang so I can talk to my grandkids.
• Solve a Rubik’s cube without using a hammer.

(I really hate this little freakin’ cube of frustration and anger.)

Happy New Year!

Besides taking up smoking, drinking margaritas, spending food money on shoes and increasing the sugar in my diet, I’ve been trying to think up ways to improve my already incredible life.

(Should be a glamorous 2012.)

Just like in November, when bloggers are required to compose a gratitude list, in January, we are required to make public our New Year’s resolutions. I don’t know why. It’s in the fine print.

So, in 2012, I resolve to:

• Finish memorizing “Zoolander.”

(“Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good-looking?”)

• Become one of the infamous (and uber-wealthy) 1 percent.
• Stop whining about the weather. (Unless it’s cold, windy and/or snowy.)
• Find a Greek yogurt I can eat without gagging.

(Oh, yeah. Greek yogurt is delicious.)

• Convert to Taoism and then drive my friends crazy while I try to convert them, too.
• Create a low-calorie food that tastes exactly like a Snickers bar.

(A meal-in-a-bar.)

• Open that erotic bakery I’ve always wanted.
• Quote from Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue” more often.
• Learn Spanish–not so I can talk with my neighbors, but so I’ll know what they’re saying about me.
• Manage stress by punching people at the mall.
• See less of friends and family. It makes Christmas cheaper.
• Bring back the “children should be seen and not heard” tradition.