Required List of New Year’s Resolutions 2012

Besides taking up smoking, drinking margaritas, spending food money on shoes and increasing the sugar in my diet, I’ve been trying to think up ways to improve my already incredible life.

(Should be a glamorous 2012.)

Just like in November, when bloggers are required to compose a gratitude list, in January, we are required to make public our New Year’s resolutions. I don’t know why. It’s in the fine print.

So, in 2012, I resolve to:

  • Finish memorizing “Zoolander.”

(“Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good-looking?”)

  • Become one of the infamous (and uber-wealthy) 1 percent.
  • Stop whining about the weather. (Unless it’s cold, windy and/or snowy.)
  • Find a Greek yogurt I can eat without gagging.

(Oh, yeah. Greek yogurt is delicious.)

  • Convert to Taoism and then drive my friends crazy while I try to convert them, too.
  • Create a low-calorie food that tastes exactly like a Snickers bar.

(A meal-in-a-bar.)

    • Open that erotic bakery I’ve always wanted.
    • Quote from Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue” more often.
    • Learn Spanish–not so I can talk with my neighbors, but so I’ll know what they’re saying about me.
    • Manage stress by punching people at the mall.
    • See less of friends and family. It makes Christmas cheaper.
    • Bring back the “children should be seen and not heard” tradition.

7 thoughts on “Required List of New Year’s Resolutions 2012

  1. hahahahahahahaah…. Just what I needed – a good laugh.


  2. What is THIS!!!???? A SCHOOL FOR ANTS??!! IT NEEDS TO BE AT LEAST…….THREE TIMES THIS SIZE!!! I laugh out loud every time. 🙂


  3. Oh gawd, I hate Greek yogurt. I may as well chow down on sour cream. Blargh. Funny stuff!


  4. Please DO create a low-calorie food that tastes exactly like Snickers. It would make my New Years resolution to LOSE SOME WEIGHT a lot easier.

    Funny post! Thanks for making us laugh!


  5. Funny post! I thought I was the only one who gagged with Greek yogurt! I kept thinking I was missing something because everyone else seems to loooooove it. Blech.

    You are spot-on with the resolution to learn Spanish. That’s why I want to learn it too. I’m Hispanic, so it’s even worse for me. When people come up to me assuming I know it, then I don’t, the words they spout as they walk away…well, it’s just too bad I can’t understand it. Or maybe it’s better that I don’t. 🙂


  6. haha great resolutions- I would resolve to finish memorizing Zoolander too, except I think I’ve already done so. (my life is clearly incredible, also)


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