Top 5 Fashion Trends I’ll Never Wear

Each year I pick up magazines showing the “must have fashions”. This year’s fall season’s Games of Thrones-inspired clothing lines include flowing cloaks, fur-lined jackets and bloody swords. (Disclaimer: I was wearing a vest with a fur-lined collar and Ringo the Dog sat next to me, judging me, and saying, “Hey, Cruella. You gonna skin me, too? You gonna make some mittens out of my fur?”)

Super models walk down the runway in everything from cellophane to jellyfish tentacles, and still look flawless and beautiful. They can wear any fashion trend and not look stupid. Unlike the rest of us. Here are several fashion trends I will NOT be donning this year:

1. Uber-Layers–Start with a pair of leggings. Add a tank top, a button-down shirt, a cable-knit sweater, a cardigan, a military jacket and a scarf, and you have a chic, warm look for any occasion. Right? Wrong. If I wore that many layers, I’d have to turn sideways to walk through doorways, and I wouldn’t be able to lower my arms all day.

layers

(Stylishly on my way to work.)

2. Fall Florals–These delicately-detailed  daisies are designed to defrost the dark days of December. However, when I wear garb with garishly graphic garden geraniums, I more closely resemble a gargoylish gridlock of gloomy grandma.

3. Color Blocking–Bold colors! Geometric shapes! Waist whittling! Shape enhancing! You be the judge.

color blocking

(Left: Elegant super model in a color-blocked dress. Right: Me, in a color-blocked dress.)

4. Statement Eyes–I’ve been making statements with my eyes for years. My eyes can say, “You’re kidding, right?” or “You’d better run. Fast.” or “I’m so very tired.” or “You’d better feed me before I eat your ear lobes.” But today, “statement eyes” means bright, daring and confident. Using adventurous color schemes, glitter, jewels, false eyelashes and jeweled false eyelashes, young women are wearing eye-opening make-up to create their looks.

 eyes(It’s also handy to have an emergency eye-wash station nearby.)

 5. Capes–Thirty years ago, I would have loved to walk through town wearing a fur-lined, velvet cape. Now, I’d be suspected of witchery, and thrown into someone’s dungeon for trial. Only very self-assured young women (or Stevie Nicks) can pull off the cape trend, which hopefully ends before spring.

stevie

(On second thought, there are some people who could use a good cursing. Maybe I’ll stop in at Halloween City and pick up the latest fashion trend.)

 

Advertisements

One thought on “Top 5 Fashion Trends I’ll Never Wear

  1. Too funny! The whole color blocking thing annoys me because they never put the color part in the right space. It’s always accentuating the wrong body part. And don’t get me started on bedazzling my eyes. I freak out if I have to use Visine. Clearly I am not cool and the magazines depress me rather than inspire me. I mean who can wear equestrian boots, a nubbily Fisherman;s sweater, and a friggin’ cape? Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s