Why the World Won’t End This Year

(And if you read it backwards, it says “Yadsmood 2102.” Eerie, isn’t it?)

In a very Grinch-like move, the Mayans have chosen to ruin Christmas this year by predicting the end of the world. ACTUALLY, they didn’t predict the world ending–their day planner just got filled up. But if they’re right, Dec. 21 (which happens to ruin my Friday–and my weekend plans) will be the day we’re either a) hit by a rogue planet, b) forced to watch every episode of every Kardashian TV show, or c) made to bow down to our new president, BeZorg.

Luckily, our country has spent billions of dollars in space technology, telescopes and Transformers to protect our planet from boomeranging comets and intergalactic warfare. Plus, Bruce Willis has those sweet asteroid-exploding skills we could put to use. Soooooo, I think we’ll be okay.

(He’s either constipated, or seriously concerned about the fate of our planet.)

Doomsayers have predicted that a cloud of negative energy will engulf the solar system–causing terror and chaos. Guess what? That’s already happened. It’s called the GOP debates.

( Now, THESE suckers might destroy our planet even before December.)

Nostradamus has been given credit for predicting everything from the exile of Adam and Eve to the Katy Perry-Russell Brand divorce (but of course EVERYONE saw that one coming.) Was Nostradamus Mayan? Isn’t it true he predicted that Hollywood would fall into the sea, causing smeared mascara and a shortage of bad movies?

Anyway. I know the world won’t end this year because:

I just ordered a three-year subscription to O magazine. And you KNOW Oprah won’t let the world end before she’s ready to quit publishing.

(What I know for sure? This world won’t end until I have ALL the money. Mwahahahaha.)

I REALLY want to see the second season of “Revenge.” That Emily Thorne is a bitch. I want to be her.

(This is one classy, cold-hearted wench.)

I’d miss my crazy-ass dog, Ringo.

I have a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax I’m not even CLOSE to using up.

Remember Y2K?

(Not as cool as a zombie apocalypse. . .but it will have to do.)

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10 thoughts on “Why the World Won’t End This Year

  1. […] I already wrote about a couple of those events in Top 5 Reasons the World Didn’t End and Why the World Won’t End This Year, so I’ve had to stretch my mind to find another disaster-specific blog topic about the End of […]

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  2. I know I have to keep reading your posts due to the GOP debate comment on here. Great, funny stuff! Thanks for sharing!

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  3. You couldn’t have addressed this years “end of the world” any better!!! That was so funny, but so true. We all thought Y2K was the end….obviously it wasn’t…..we’re all still here and technology didn’t crash (at least not thanks to Y2K). I love your style of writing…approaching life with humor. Very cool indeed! Looking forward to reading more of your blogs.

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  4. Are all your posts freshly pressed? If not, they should be!
    Also, I love the girl in Revenge too. I want to be as classy as her when I strike my enemies down.

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  5. The GOP Debates part just made me laugh soo hard my boss had to say “shhh”..hahaha.. This is hilarious! Thanks

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  6. Makes me think. I loved it.

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  7. ~Ahh this was hilarious 🙂 you’re an insight to blogging and I definitely agree with your resolutions

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  8. I hope you’re right…

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