If you are speaking to, dating, married to or just looking at a woman, there’s a good chance (100%) that she’s just finished a diet, just started a diet, is cheating on a diet or will be starting a diet tomorrow. There’s never a time women don’t think about food/calories/dress sizes/exercise/futility.
If you are a sensitive-type person, you’ll be conscious of this fact, and avoid saying something stupid. If you’re not sensitive, here’s a handy list of things you shouldn’t say if you want to avoid having someone punch you in the throat.
- “I like a woman with meat on her bones.” What the hell are you? A Velociraptor? That’s like saying, “I love all the mounds of flesh barnacled to your skeleton.”
(“I’ll just baste you with some lemon juice.” Tasty.)
- “You just need more willpower.” The only willpower I need is the willpower not to stab you in the kidney.
- “Are you sure you should eat that?” Unless I’m unknowingly placing a live scorpion in my mouth, shut the hell up.
- “I thought you were on a diet.” Well, I was on a diet from murdering people. But now I’m not. I’m a yo-yo murderer.
- “I like having something to hold on to.” That’s what handlebars are for. Leaving my muffin top alone!
- “How much do you want to weigh?” I want to weigh enough so I can sit on your chest and asphyxiate you boa constrictor-style.
“Just think like a thin person.” The thin people I know seem angry, depressed and very, very hungry. I’ll just eat this apple pie and call it good.
- “It’s probably a glandular/hormonal/metabolic/pre-menopausal problem.” Unless my glands weigh 20 pounds each, that’s probably not it. And if you say I’m pre-menopausal, you might want to run from me as far and as fast as you can.
- “Aren’t you hungry?” Yes!! By all the Norse Gods! I’m starving here!
- “Have you tried exercising?” Wow! Exercise! Why didn’t I think of that?
In fact, there’s really not much you can say that will keep you from getting slapped. Just leave a plate of lemon squares on the porch, and you’ll probably be safe.
Peri, This is too funny. If I hear another woman say she got super thin ” from Pilates” I will scream! Come on, I gotta work out just to eat the damn chips and salsa. Thanks, I needed that, great post. Nikki
I know. It takes NOTHING to gain 1 pound, but it takes 4 weeks of water and boot camp to lose it. Not fair.
You forgot one — “It’s a lifestyle change – not just a diet.” I prefer my life to be full of sweets instead of rice cakes! Thanks for making me laugh today!
Rice cakes should be outlawed! Up with sugar!
Hey Peri, I found out about your blog after reading an article you wrote for the town newspaper. You are such a good writer! Your jokes and smart-ass attitude make it so fun to read, thanks for the laughs.
Cindy (me and my two white Eskies walk with you and Ringo when we see you at the local park)
Hi Cindy! Thanks for reading. I’ve missed you at the park this summer! Hope everything is going well.