Health

January 1, 2014

New Year’s Diet Dilemma

So. What diet is everyone starting today?

I visited the Barnes & Noble site, typed in “diet books” and got 125,340 results. Some experts say stop eating anything that can’t be grown in your backyard. (There are LOTS of things growing in my backyard I would NEVER eat.) Other experts promote eating whatever you want, as long as you have a positive attitude. (“I’m positive my a** just grew 3 sizes because I’m eating Twinkies at every meal.”)

cannibal pumpkin

(The Cannibal Pumpkin Spice Diet)

So how do you find the perfect eating plan? I’ve scoured the top 80,000 diet books to give you a synopsis of your options.

The Doctor’s Diet: I thought this would be about eating tongue depressors and cotton balls, but not so. Dr. Travis Stork promotes healthy eating, whether you’re a vegan, a Vulcan or a veterinarian.

The Paleo Diet: (Again, misunderstanding. I thought this was an albino diet book. My bad.) This diet suggests eating food our ancestors would have enjoyed during the Paleolithic era. Like mastodon, insects, grubs and pebbles. Mmmmm. Sign me up.

paleo

(I think you need to grunt, scratch and wear furry loincloths to get the full effect.)

The Reboot with Joe Juice Diet: Obviously, this diet is about juicing. I hate juicing. Don’t hand me a drink and tell me to guess what’s in it.

Friend with good intentions: Try this! It tastes great, and I have so much energy!

Me: No.

Friend (again): But it’s so healthy!! And fresh!! And yummy!!

Me: That sounds terrible.

Friend (relentless): You’ll like this. It has strawberries.

Me: And what else?

Friend: I’ll tell you after you try it.

Me: Small sip. Umm, is it grass and fish pee?

Friend (former): No, silly! It’s celery, turnip, cayenne pepper, kitty litter and apple.

Me: You told me there were strawberries.

Friend (very former): I lied.

juicer

(Some things just shouldn’t be blended together. Squash, yogurt, pinecones and tulip bulbs, for example.)

The Pound a Day Diet: I’ve been on this plan. I gained one pound every day I was in San Francisco last August.

Then there’s the Crazy, Sexy Diet, the Dash Diet, the 3-1-2-1 Diet and diets to speed up your metabolism. If you have a health issue, guaranteed there’s a diet for it. Most diets promise to cleanse toxins, burn fat, end pain, save the world and manage to get you back to your birth weight.

Here’s my diet this year: Eat healthy. Exercise. Go outside. Play with my grandkids and my dog. Stop beating myself up. Start appreciating a body that walks, talks, breathes and loves. I call it the Enjoy Life Diet.

Have a great New Year.

August 27, 2013

Terrible Things to Say to Someone on a Diet

diet

If you are speaking to, dating, married to or just looking at a woman, there’s a good chance (100%) that she’s just finished a diet, just started a diet, is cheating on a diet or will be starting a diet tomorrow. There’s never a time women don’t think about food/calories/dress sizes/exercise/futility.

If you are a sensitive-type person, you’ll be conscious of this fact, and avoid saying something stupid. If you’re not sensitive, here’s a handy list of things you shouldn’t say if you want to avoid having someone punch you in the throat.

  • “I like a woman with meat on her bones.” What the hell are you? A Velociraptor? That’s like saying, “I love all the mounds of flesh barnacled to your skeleton.”

velociraptor(“I’ll just baste you with some lemon juice.” Tasty.)

  • “You just need more willpower.” The only willpower I need is the willpower not to stab you in the kidney.
  • “Are you sure you should eat that?” Unless I’m unknowingly placing a live scorpion in my mouth, shut the hell up.
  • “I thought you were on a diet.” Well, I was on a diet from murdering people. But now I’m not. I’m a yo-yo murderer.
  • “I like having something to hold on to.” That’s what handlebars are for. Leaving my muffin top alone!
  • “How much do you want to weigh?” I want to weigh enough so I can sit on your chest and asphyxiate you boa constrictor-style.
  • “Just think like a thin person.” The thin people I know seem angry, depressed and very, very hungry. I’ll just eat this apple pie and call it good.
  • “It’s probably a glandular/hormonal/metabolic/pre-menopausal problem.” Unless my glands weigh 20 pounds each, that’s probably not it. And if you say I’m pre-menopausal, you might want to run from me as far and as fast as you can.
  • “Aren’t you hungry?” Yes!! By all the Norse Gods! I’m starving here!
  • “Have you tried exercising?” Wow! Exercise! Why didn’t I think of that?

imagesCAHRIYZF

In fact, there’s really not much you can say that will keep you from getting slapped. Just leave a plate of lemon squares on the porch, and you’ll probably be safe.

May 28, 2013

Top 5 Healthy Food Groups

I spent the holiday weekend eating. Non-stop. Things like pork enchiladas, Fat Kid pizza, Harry & David candies, Mrs. Field’s cookies, popcorn, margaritas, hamburgers and bacon. But I did have a fruit-cup on Monday morning . (Calories don’t count on holidays. Duh.)

As many people do, I decided to wake up this morning (following a weekend of binge eating) and start shoving healthy food into my face. After researching the bests kinds of foods, I’ve compiled a list to help me stay on track.

I vow to eat:

Brown Foods: Things like brown rice, whole wheat pasta and breads fall into this category. But (if I understand colors) this also includes chocolate cake, fudgsicles and caramel corn. I’m pretty sure I can rock this area.

Vegetables/Fruit: I can easily incorporate foods like spinach, asparagus, berries and grapefruit into my diet. And then there’s what I call the “fancy” veggies and fruit: Pringles (potatoes), Bugles (corn), Sunkist Gems and Gummy Bears (assorted fruits) (also found at Harry & David).harry

(So many healthy choices to choose from!)

Nuts/healthy oils: Natural butters like almond and peanut, and products like olive oil, can easily be spread on the aforementioned brown foods–and even some fruits and veggies. But avocado?!?! (yuck. nope.) Also falling into this category is See’s Toffee (this  delicacy is ROLLED in healthy nuts), chocolate covered nuts of all types, and, my favorite, a Reese’s Peanut Butter Sandwich. (This consists of two Reese’s Cups glued together with a glob of peanut butter.) Good times.

Lean meats: Unless someone is selling supermodel jerky, I’ll assume this means skinless chicken breasts, healthy pork cuts (probably not bacon), roasted turkey and small cuts of beef. B.O.R.I.N.G.

Cut back on sugar: Hahahahaha! Nope. (I’m sure this was the FDA’s idea of a joke. Those wacky FDA employees.)

So, starting today, I’m on a healthy eating mission. Just as soon as I finish my chocolate covered cherries from Harry & David. Or . . . maybe that counts as a brown food AND a fruit! Shazaam!