Things I’m Not Going to Do Today

People are obsessed with to-do lists. I don’t get it. Why start your day with an entire page of things you MUST get done before your head can hit the pillow at night? Sounds like a recipe for madness.


Here’s what I do instead: I make a list of things I refuse to do so when it’s time for bed, I can experience a sense of moral superiority instead of abject failure. Something like this:

  • No matter how much I’m provoked, I will not stab a chopstick into the heart of the woman sitting behind me at Panda Express who speaks at a 100 decibel level about how her son’s school has conspired against him so he fails at everything.
  • I will not ram my Nissan into the Honda  that swerved in and out of traffic, only to pull in front of me and stop. Although I had to slam on my brakes so I didn’t crush his car like a beer can, and although I spilled my smoothie all over the car seat, I will not resort to petty car crashes just to relieve my immense anger.


(But I didn’t, so I win at life, right?)

  • I will resist the urge to sledgehammer all technology after my computer shuts down multiple &@%! times and after my email system crashes and after my scanner decides to take a coffee break and refuses to work for 98 minutes, and after the phone system goes all Mr. Robot on me and tries to take down the entire solar system.
  • Although I would be acquitted, I’m not going to staple someone’s tongue to the wall after I listen to him mansplain how women need to stop being so uptight about “equality” (his air quotes, not mine).

Because I didn’t resort to any of that petty behavior, I think I deserve a hot fudge sundae before bed.


Top 5 Reasons to be Lazy This Summer

Remember when you were a kid and summer vacation stretched out like a long, sweet piece of warm caramel? Well, get over it. You’ll never have three months to do absolutely nothing EVER AGAIN.

But. While you might not be able to laze around the house in your jammies, eating cold cereal and popsicles until fall, you can still dedicate a significant amount of time to just being lazy. In this crazy world with its tech gadgets and social media invasion, putting yourself in time-out might be the best. thing. ever. I suggest you do it today.


(Sometimes you just need to sit on a fountain.)

Here are the best reasons to be lazy this summer:

1. To-do lists are bulls***.  Remember when your mom gave you a list of chores to do every summer? Did you like it then? Nope. So why would you like it now? Throw out the to-do list and focus on the want-to-do list. (Disclaimer: this must involve eating at least one banana split each week.)

2. Hiding can be therapeutic. You don’t need to check out from reality for weeks at a time, but diving into a great book while eating strawberry shortcake is my idea of heaven. While I might be mistaken for a turtle as I burrow under a pillow, that’s okay. Turtles are adorable!

3. Being lazy heightens creativity. When you figure out how to refill your margarita without  leaving the comfyness of your porch swing, you have accomplished a great task. Doing nothing opens your mind to all kinds of ideas.


4. It teaches you patience. It’s HARD to hold still. We fidget, adjust, move around and change positions all the time, usually because we’re amped on caffeine and sugar. Make yourself sit still. Listen to yourself breathe. Ignore your erratic brain telling you to “Move already!!!” After awhile, your mind backs down. If people judge you, tell them you’re not being lazy, you’re meditating.

5. You don’t miss out on the little things. Once you toss your to-do list, you suddenly have tons of time to do important things like play games, make homemade ice-cream, reread favorite novels, sit by a stream, listen to the birds, take your dog for an extra walk, look at the stars, watch the clouds roll by and plan an impromptu picnic.

Taking a few hours each week to just be lazy will make your summer feel more like a vacation. Just like when you were 10.