Things I’m Not Going to Do Today

People are obsessed with to-do lists. I don’t get it. Why start your day with an entire page of things you MUST get done before your head can hit the pillow at night? Sounds like a recipe for madness.


Here’s what I do instead: I make a list of things I refuse to do so when it’s time for bed, I can experience a sense of moral superiority instead of abject failure. Something like this:

  • No matter how much I’m provoked, I will not stab a chopstick into the heart of the woman sitting behind me at Panda Express who speaks at a 100 decibel level about how her son’s school has conspired against him so he fails at everything.
  • I will not ram my Nissan into the Honda  that swerved in and out of traffic, only to pull in front of me and stop. Although I had to slam on my brakes so I didn’t crush his car like a beer can, and although I spilled my smoothie all over the car seat, I will not resort to petty car crashes just to relieve my immense anger.


(But I didn’t, so I win at life, right?)

  • I will resist the urge to sledgehammer all technology after my computer shuts down multiple &@%! times and after my email system crashes and after my scanner decides to take a coffee break and refuses to work for 98 minutes, and after the phone system goes all Mr. Robot on me and tries to take down the entire solar system.
  • Although I would be acquitted, I’m not going to staple someone’s tongue to the wall after I listen to him mansplain how women need to stop being so uptight about “equality” (his air quotes, not mine).

Because I didn’t resort to any of that petty behavior, I think I deserve a hot fudge sundae before bed.


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