Deep Thoughts From the 2016 Summer Olympic Games

Besides the super-human performances, the world-record-breaking finishes and the crazy intense tracking of mosquitos and water in Rio de Janeiro at the Summer Olympics, I found myself asking the following questions. (At least until my husband told me to stop talking and just watch, for @#$@’s sake. Geesh.)

zika

(Unofficial mascot of the Summer Games in Rio.)

Why do swimmers wear headphones? Are they listening to whale or dolphin noises?

How can the underwater camera guy, getting shots of the swimmers, hold his breath for so long?

How do the beach volleyball women compete without getting constant wedgies?

Do gymnastic organizers buy chalk in bulk? When they open the bag, does it explode all over the room, like when I rip open a bag of Fruity Pebbles?

Do gymnasts ever get tired of smiling and swinging their arms every time they stand up? Should I start doing that at work?

Badminton?

If Ryan Lochte is ever really robbed at gunpoint, will anyone believe him? Did his horrible dye job affect his judgement?

lochte

Have Aly Raisman’s parents been properly sedated?

Shouldn’t the U.S. win all the shooting competitions?

How are you supposed to stand during the national anthem? Is there a rule for crying the appropriate amount for TV (one lone tear, rolling slowly down the cheek)? Do you have to silently mouth the words correctly?

How soon can we expect synchronized horse diving?

Who can explain Greco wrestling?

Is Usain Bolt the coolest person in the world?

When will they bring back tug-of-war and croquet?

Can anyone watch the canoe slalom without singing songs from Disney’s Pocahontas?

pocahontas

(Just around the river bend!!)

Only two more years until the Winter Olympics in PyeyongChang, South Korea. I can’t imagine anything going wrong there. . .

Citius, Altius, Fortius! (Translation: Citrus, HealthCare and Couch Cushion Forts!)

Top 5 Reasons to Stop Watching NBC’s Version of the Olympics

I know, I know, greatest athletes, heartbreaking stories. I get it.

Every two years, NBC saturates the airwaves with backstories and teasers while the Olympic Games take place in the background. Enough already. Let us just watch the events without your commentators’ blathering inaneness.

(Ernie’s facepalm for the Games.)

Here are 5 Reasons to Stop Watching the Olympics on NBC:

#1–Coverage is a joke. Did you see USA gymnast John Orozco doing his thang on the rings during the men’s all-round? Neither did anyone else. How about coverage of anyone other than the “stars” of the Games? Nope.  Unless you’re a medal contender, you don’t get air time on NBC.

#2–Stating the obvious.   “I think that fall might cost him some points.” “World Record time! That’s gotta be the fastest she’s ever gone!!” “Stepping out-of-bounds will lower her score.” “I’ll bet he’s disappointed in that performance.” Hint: Mute button.

(When a Jedi Master gets frustrated, that’s pretty bad.)

#3–Human interest stories. I appreciate how hard the athletes work. I really do. I worked with Olympic athletes for four years and was SO impressed with their level of sacrifice and dedication. But even THEY got tired of hearing their backstories set to violins with crying kittens and sad-looking panda bears. Can we have a little less manipulation in the media? Oh, I forgot. That’s what MEDIA stands for: Manipulating Every Decent Idealistic American.

#4–Editing for Americans. Does NBC think we can’t appreciate athletes from other nations? Are we that horrible? (Don’t answer that.) Did you see the special tribute during the opening ceremonies dedicated to the victims of the 2005 terrorist bombing in London? No?  That’s because NBC preempted that portion of the ceremony to show a Ryan Seacrest interview with Michael Phelps. Thank heavens we have NBC watching out for us because we know the Olympics are an American-only event.

(Really, NBC? Even Jean-Luc Picard gives you a facepalm.)

#5–Super Slow-Mo replay.   How many times can we watch a gymnast fall off the beam? Too many. Especially when  slow-motion cameras move frame by frame by frame by frame so it takes 20 minutes to watch a 2-second flub. Or the slow-motion victory where Michael Phelps reaches for the wall in insane slow-mo. His fingers move millimeter by millimeter toward the finish line. Stop playing with your toys, NBC.

NBC, I understand you spent $1.18 billion for the rights to drive the American public insane for two weeks, but please. Show us the events without commentators talking down to the audience and without the dumbing down of competitions because you think the American people are illiterate boors.