New Year’s Diet Dilemma

So. What diet is everyone starting today?

I visited the Barnes & Noble site, typed in “diet books” and got 125,340 results. Some experts say stop eating anything that can’t be grown in your backyard. (There are LOTS of things growing in my backyard I would NEVER eat.) Other experts promote eating whatever you want, as long as you have a positive attitude. (“I’m positive my a** just grew 3 sizes because I’m eating Twinkies at every meal.”)

cannibal pumpkin

(The Cannibal Pumpkin Spice Diet)

So how do you find the perfect eating plan? I’ve scoured the top 80,000 diet books to give you a synopsis of your options.

The Doctor’s Diet: I thought this would be about eating tongue depressors and cotton balls, but not so. Dr. Travis Stork promotes healthy eating, whether you’re a vegan, a Vulcan or a veterinarian.

The Paleo Diet: (Again, misunderstanding. I thought this was an albino diet book. My bad.) This diet suggests eating food our ancestors would have enjoyed during the Paleolithic era. Like mastodon, insects, grubs and pebbles. Mmmmm. Sign me up.

paleo

(I think you need to grunt, scratch and wear furry loincloths to get the full effect.)

The Reboot with Joe Juice Diet: Obviously, this diet is about juicing. I hate juicing. Don’t hand me a drink and tell me to guess what’s in it.

Friend with good intentions: Try this! It tastes great, and I have so much energy!

Me: No.

Friend (again): But it’s so healthy!! And fresh!! And yummy!!

Me: That sounds terrible.

Friend (relentless): You’ll like this. It has strawberries.

Me: And what else?

Friend: I’ll tell you after you try it.

Me: Small sip. Umm, is it grass and fish pee?

Friend (former): No, silly! It’s celery, turnip, cayenne pepper, kitty litter and apple.

Me: You told me there were strawberries.

Friend (very former): I lied.

juicer

(Some things just shouldn’t be blended together. Squash, yogurt, pinecones and tulip bulbs, for example.)

The Pound a Day Diet: I’ve been on this plan. I gained one pound every day I was in San Francisco last August.

Then there’s the Crazy, Sexy Diet, the Dash Diet, the 3-1-2-1 Diet and diets to speed up your metabolism. If you have a health issue, guaranteed there’s a diet for it. Most diets promise to cleanse toxins, burn fat, end pain, save the world and manage to get you back to your birth weight.

Here’s my diet this year: Eat healthy. Exercise. Go outside. Play with my grandkids and my dog. Stop beating myself up. Start appreciating a body that walks, talks, breathes and loves. I call it the Enjoy Life Diet.

Have a great New Year.

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3 thoughts on “New Year’s Diet Dilemma

  1. I’m with you. I have to assume at some point, I am the way I am supposed to be, that’s it folks. I do have to work out, (or my a** will grow larger), and because I have kids and make them eat, “balanced meals,” I am forced to as well. I don’t subscribe to diets just healthy livin and if that’s not enough…well it just has to be. Thanks for the great post, as usual.

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  2. I’m on the I’m-so-sick-of-Christmas-fudge-I-need-something-salty-now-before-I-barf diet. But I’d much rather be on your Enjoy Life Diet. (And I only have one more hyphen, so after this I’ll be on an obsessive-hyphenation diet.) Done. All out. Thanks for the laughs.

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