Let’s travel back to 1975, when the world was less complicated and Halloween was a day-long sugar orgy. It was a simple holiday; I knock on your door–you give me candy. Since then, Halloween has become a multi-million dollar business. Leave it to Americans to prostitute fear. And candy. Costumes 1975: I’d open my costume boxContinue reading “Happy Retro Halloween!”
Tag Archives: Halloween
Why Ringo Hates Halloween
(I am a good boy. A very good boy.) Once upon a time, there was a crazy-ass dog named Ringo. Although his family loved him very much, Ringo was a neurotic freak, with a tendency to overreact to. . . well. . . basically everything. Along with canine-induced ADHD, Ringo also suffered from AAA (allergies,Continue reading “Why Ringo Hates Halloween”
Top 5 Terrible Halloween Treats
You’ve only got one day left to stock up on Halloween treats for those good-for-nothing, lazy trick-or-treaters. Kids are always looking for a handout. Anyway, be sure to avoid having the above-mentioned “kids” attack your home with shaving cream or raw eggs by providing them with an acceptable treat. It’s much like appeasing King Kong: GiveContinue reading “Top 5 Terrible Halloween Treats”
Happy Whoreoween
(This is scarier than any horror movie.) Helping little girls grow up too quickly, costume companies have sexed-up Halloween costumes for grade school children. Last year, third-grade girls came to my door wearing belly shirts, mini-skirts, fishnet stockings and lipstick. Isn’t there a vice squad created to prevent this? Where’s CSI: SVU when you need them? HalloweenContinue reading “Happy Whoreoween”
Things That Are Truly Frightening
Halloween is approaching with a bloody axe and heavy footsteps. Between “American Horror Story” and “Paranormal Activity,” I’ve been thinking about the things that really scare me. The things that raise my knuckle hair and put a hard knot in my liver. Besides terror-inflicting things like snakes, clowns and Kristin Stewart’s “acting,” there are things I find muchContinue reading “Things That Are Truly Frightening”
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