Happy Whoreoween

(This is scarier than any horror movie.)

Helping little girls grow up too quickly, costume companies have sexed-up Halloween costumes for grade school children. Last year, third-grade girls came to my door wearing belly shirts, mini-skirts, fishnet stockings and lipstick. Isn’t there a vice squad created to prevent this? Where’s CSI: SVU when you need them?

Halloween has become “Whoreoween.” Instead of being a regular, innocent cowgirl or princess, little girls are now Raunchy Rodeo Cowgirls with a sexy lasso and spurs, or Peek-A-Boo Princess with fake boobs and high heels. Come on! Our kids are sexified early enough.

(If these little girls come to your door, hand them a coat.)

Adult women and teenage girls have used Whoreoween as an excuse to dress and act like a slut for years and years.  As long as men have eyeballs, you’ll have your naughty nurses and frisky pirate wenches–but seriously, do we need lascivious loan officers, vampy veterinarians or saucy sanitation engineers? Do you really want to see a lusty lunch lady in a push-up bra and stilettos? (If you answered “yes,” there’s a good chance you’re a man.)

But enough is enough when it comes to little kids.

Last year, a fifth grader came to my door, set up a stripper pole on my porch and started to perform. Luckily, it was cold and her bare belly froze to the pole. I called 9-1-1 and went back to watching TV. (I’m just kidding. I gave her some candy first.)

Can we return to innocence? I was Princess Leia when I was 8–and I didn’t stuff my bra. Hell, I didn’t even WEAR a bra. I wasn’t trying to be sexy or seduce the many Han Solos and Luke Skywalkers there were in my class. I just wanted candy, dammit. There was no hidden sexual agenda on Halloween.

IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE CANDY.