(I am a good boy. A very good boy.)

Once upon a time, there was a crazy-ass dog named Ringo. Although his family loved him very much, Ringo was a neurotic freak, with a tendency to overreact to. . . well. . . basically everything.  Along with canine-induced ADHD, Ringo also suffered from AAA (allergies, anxiety and arthritis), making him an itchy, nervous and crippled doggy companion.

One day, Ringo’s owner (Lady Peri of Kearns) was walking Ringo when, all of a sudden, giant Halloween inflatables popped up on the neighbor’s lawn–scaring the dog poop out of poor Ringo. Barking didn’t scare the scary inflatable spider away. Growling didn’t even phase it. But did that stop Ringo? NO! He growled and barked all the way down the street, turning around to make sure the spider knew he had caused Ringo MUCH anxiety.

(Someone needs a big can of Raid.)

The next day, Lady Peri decorated the house for Halloween. She placed pumpkins, ghosts, ghouls, skeletons, witches and other nightmare-causing props in strategic places–except Ringo was now afraid to come in the living room. He was convinced the witch’s cauldron was going to eat him–or at least take his chew toy. So Ringo jumped on the couch, growling softly, only leaving the safety of the couch cushions to eat. Or to glare in Lady Peri’s direction.

(I hate you, Lady Peri.)

When trick-or-treaters visited Ringo’s home, he went delirious with fear as Hulks, vampires, goblins and Miley Cyrus costumes paraded up and down the porch. Ringo hid behind the La-Z-Boy, hyperventilating into a doggish dementia.  Turning to emotional eating, Ringo tried to steal chocolate bars from the big bowl o’ candy Lady Peri had left unattended.

Screeches, screaming, banshee wailing and loud moaning coming from the Halloween CD didn’t do anything to ease Ringo’s terror. His howling didn’t do anything to ease Lady Peri’s nerves.

Finally, the month of terror ebbed, leaving Ringo in a pile of furry panic. Lady Peri took down the bats and zombies, and the neighbors deflated their 6-foot inflatable spider. Ringo could breathe easy again.

Until the next day when the neighbor’s giant inflatable turkey appeared in the yard.