When my oldest daughter turned 15 and my youngest daughter turned 3, strange things began to happen.

The TV turned on and off all day. No matter how often I shut the kitchen cabinets and drawers, they were always open. I’d put toys and books away, and the next minute they were on the floor again. I kept getting pinched and slapped, and I was even head-butted a couple of times. I was pretty sure we had a poltergeist.

(Insane teenager freaking out. And a lady in a red shirt.)

But the psychic I hired to rid my home of this supernatural disturbance had a different idea. “Although teenagers attract destructive spirits because they’re basically horrible people, I don’t think it’s a poltergeist. I think you just have a toddler,” she said in a really creepy voice.

A toddler? It all began to make sense. My toddler had been possessed by a demon. I began listing all the strange occurrences and felt she had a point.

If your toddler exhibits the following behavior, it might be inhabited by one of Satan’s minions.

(Minions even look like toddlers.)

• Projectile vomiting
• High-pitched shrieking in the middle of the night (causing me to jump out of bed and run into the door frame)
• Appearing out of nowhere
• Babbling in a foreign tongue
• Standing by the bed watching you sleep
• Talking to “friends” you can’t see
• Jumping out from behind couches
• Rattling and slowly turning doorknobs
• Heavy, loud mouth breathing
• An aversion to water
• The disappearance of utensils
• An overabundance of drool
• Inexplicable toilet flushing
• Random blood stains
• Boogers streaked on the walls

This is just a short list of all the demonic symptoms exhibited by my 3-year-old daughter. And although I was relieved my teenage daughter hadn’t invited a poltergeist to live in her bedroom, she was still a teenager. So, there’s that.