When my oldest daughter turned 15 and my youngest daughter turned 3, strange things began to happen.
The TV turned on and off all day. No matter how often I shut the kitchen cabinets and drawers, they were always open. I’d put toys and books away, and the next minute they were on the floor again. I kept getting pinched and slapped, and I was even head-butted a couple of times. I was pretty sure we had a poltergeist.
(Insane teenager freaking out. And a lady in a red shirt.)
But the psychic I hired to rid my home of this supernatural disturbance had a different idea. “Although teenagers attract destructive spirits because they’re basically horrible people, I don’t think it’s a poltergeist. I think you just have a toddler,” she said in a really creepy voice.
A toddler? It all began to make sense. My toddler had been possessed by a demon. I began listing all the strange occurrences and felt she had a point.
If your toddler exhibits the following behavior, it might be inhabited by one of Satan’s minions.
(Minions even look like toddlers.)
- Projectile vomiting
- High-pitched shrieking in the middle of the night (causing me to jump out of bed and run into the door frame)
- Appearing out of nowhere
- Babbling in a foreign tongue
- Standing by the bed watching you sleep
- Talking to “friends” you can’t see
- Jumping out from behind couches
- Rattling and slowly turning doorknobs
- Heavy, loud mouth breathing
- An aversion to water
- The disappearance of utensils
- An overabundance of drool
- Inexplicable toilet flushing
- Random blood stains
- Boogers streaked on the walls
This is just a short list of all the demonic symptoms exhibited by my 3-year-old daughter. And although I was relieved my teenage daughter hadn’t invited a poltergeist to live in her bedroom, she was still a teenager. So, there’s that.