You Know You’re a Mother If . . .

Mother’s are a special breed. Usually a cross between a Pomeranian and a Black Lab, they are either yapping constantly, or smothering you with love. Once you’re a mom, you do things you never imagined,  because kids numb your brain to any kind of higher-thought functions.


(Your brain on kids.)

About the time your 2-year-old hands you a long, slimy booger, and you wipe it on the hem of your T-shirt, you realize your mind has become mommified. Here are other symptoms of this exclusive momish behavior:

  • You stop wearing dangly earrings and necklaces because your toddler thinks they are climbing ropes.
  • As a gift, you receive a Campbell’s soup can, spray-painted silver and covered with glued-on uncooked pasta (also spray-painted silver). And you treasure it.
  • You’ve ever said, “No, I’m not angry. Just really disappointed.”
  • Just the thought of having an afternoon alone makes you cry.
  • You have a kitchen drawer full of Tupperware lids for kids to play with.
  • Your child makes a mess, and instead of cleaning it up, you post it on Instagram.

Cassi's birthday (3)

(This situation calls for a camera–not a washcloth.)

  • You’ve ever yelled at invisible monsters in the middle of the night, saying “Get out of here, you monsters, or I’ll kick you in the butt!”
  • You try to catch throw-up before it hits the carpet.
  • Your child sleeps an extra hour, and you are so worried, you end up waking her up.
  • Your “good clothes” consist of yoga pants without any noticeable food stains.
  • Your trips to the bathroom are treasured reading times.
  • You warm up a Healthy Choice meal for lunch, and remember to eat it two hours later.
  • You’ve realized potty training is much worse than changing diapers.
  • Your purse is full of rocks, wilted flowers, used Kleenex, pinecones, Goldfish crackers, Band-Aids and spit-out apple skins.
  • You have chocolate hidden in your underwear drawer.
  • You can step on a Lego at 3 in the morning without screaming.


(What a Lego feels like on your bare feet.)

  • Everything you wear smells like peanut butter.
  • You know the entire TV schedule for PBS, Nick Jr., Disney and Cartoon Network.
  • Your child plays in the sandbox for 30 minutes, then leaves piles of sand throughout the house for two weeks.
  • Someone keeps eating the “good” cookies you hid behind the kale chips.
  • You can make a working volcano out of newspaper, glue and baking soda.
  • You play the Quiet Game several times a day. With coworkers.
  • You eat your child’s leftovers, including cold chicken nuggets, soggy French fries and fish sticks with the breading picked off.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you dedicated (and crazy) moms out there!



6 thoughts on “You Know You’re a Mother If . . .

  1. I didn’t hide my chocolate in my underwear drawer – I disguised in a empty bag of frozen veggies and kept it in the freezer! Unfortunately, you never become un-mommified – you merely progress on to grand-mommified – no difference, you are just older!


  2. Thanks Peri, you’ve portrayed my life so well. Happy Mother’s Day to you. 🙂


  3. jesusfuckingchristwhydoeseveryusernameexist

    Very nice and I enjoyed reading it! I don’t have children yet, but I could definitely imagine everything you wrote. 🙂


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