Give a dog a bone, and he chews it until it’s a messy, pulpy, disgusting pile of goo. Which he then swallows.  Give the media a scandal, and they’ll do the same thing. Is the media just lazy, or are celebrities too easy to talk about? Either way–enough, folks!!

I don’t want to hear another WORD about any of these people(s):

• Miley Cyrus: I get it. She’s a dirty whore. Guess what? She doesn’t care. Let’s move on.
• Kris Jenner (aka, The Kardashian Kommandant): She had a talk show? She’s a tight-faced control-freak? Her daughters are tramps? Not news.
• Paula Deen: She lived in the South. She made a mistake. She apologized. NEXT!
• One Direction: Just ’cause.

(All they need is Ego and Super-Ego. Oh, wait. . . )

• Lady Gaga: What?? She did something crazy? She wore a see-through parachute with Converse high-tops? That’s like saying Alaska was cold last winter.
• Beyoncé/J-Lo (because they’re interchangeable):  Beyoncé swinging her (daughter?) Clinging Blue Ivy at the park. Beyoncé getting mobbed by fans. Beyoncé’s hot-body advice. Beyoncé’s hot-fashion advice. How ’bout not?
• Congressmen: Professional re-speakers, they haven’t had an original thought in decades.
• Reality Show Judges: Don’t watch. Don’t care.

(I might watch if Judge Judy was an American Idol judge.)

• Justin Bieber: Maybe he and Miley can get together and out-disgust each other.
• Lindsay Lohan: Drug-addled Disney teen who lost her way. I sense a theme.
• Taylor Swift: If I watch another awards show where I see the camera cut to Taylor for her every reaction, I will throw a shoe at the screen. And then I’ll be angry ’cause I broke my TV.
• Jennifer Aniston: Married? Single? Pregnant? Upset? Stripping? Vegetarian? Really, people. Don’t you have a life?

I also don’t want to see anyone’s baby bump, plastic surgery scars, fashion mistakes, ultrasounds, blood tests results, tongues, shocking hair cuts/colors, paternity tests, or anyone’s “private hell” or “drop-50-pounds-fast” starvation routine. I call “uncle.”