Someone asked me what my dream job would be. The ones that come to mind are a) best-selling author, b) world-traveling yoga instructor, and c) Girl Scout cookie tester. There has to be a job that encompasses all that. Right?

Here are several jobs I could never do:

Anything involving numbers: Math might as well be Cantonese. It’s a language I don’t understand, written in a dialect I have no desire to learn. Budgeting? Meh.  This rules out accountant, analyst, astrophysicist, jet fighter pilot or doing color commentary for any sports organization. Stats?!?! Meh.

(Maybe I’ll design roller coasters. I can’t imagine that would involve any math skills.)

Anything involving food: I could never work in a bakery. It’s a given at some point my boss would find me face down in a tray full of cinnamon rolls. Death by vanilla icing asphyxiation. And if I worked in a restaurant, I would stick my finger in each entrée to sample the sauce, and eat leftover food off patrons’ plates. My girth would soon exceed most small moons.

Anything involving people*: If I have to act happy, social, responsive, helpful or friendly, chances are I’d be fired within a few hours. I can only put on my “Happy Extroverted Face” for so long before it starts to slip, and I resort to head bunting people who ask for directions to the bus stop.

Anything involving technology: I’ve had my Stupid Phone for two years, and still can’t figure out how the touch screen works. For me, website design involves selecting a new background for my Twitter page, or changing my profile picture on Facebook. Anything else requires a skills set I don’t have. My gaming experience never got past Pong or Pac-Man.

Anything involving danger: If there is a fear-o-pain scale from zero to Chuck Norris, I fall well below zero. I don’t have a gene that propels me to run toward danger. I have the gene that propels me to stop, drop and roll–even if there isn’t a fire. I could never be a police officer, firefighter, secret agent, Robocop, alien invader or politician. This also includes working with alligators, spiders, rare bacteria or teenagers.

You might be wondering, “Well, Peri, what can you do?” That’s a great question. Thanks for asking. I’m really good at sitting in my home, hiding behind a computer screen, monitoring social media, catching up on hit TV shows and wearing sweats. If you’re hiring, and I fit your job description, drop me a line.

*This also includes children, who are technically not people.