Top 5 Jobs Where I Would Suck

Someone asked me what my dream job would be. The ones that come to mind are a) best-selling author, b) world-traveling yoga instructor, and c) Girl Scout cookie tester. There has to be a job that encompasses all that. Right?

Here are several jobs I could never do:

Anything involving numbers: Math might as well be Cantonese. It’s a language I don’t understand, written in a dialect I have no desire to learn. Budgeting? Meh.  This rules out accountant, analyst, astrophysicist, jet fighter pilot or doing color commentary for any sports organization. Stats?!?! Meh.

roller coaster

(Maybe I’ll design roller coasters. I can’t imagine that would involve any math skills.)

Anything involving food: I could never work in a bakery. It’s a given at some point my boss would find me face down in a tray full of cinnamon rolls. Death by vanilla icing asphyxiation. And if I worked in a restaurant, I would stick my finger in each entrée to sample the sauce, and eat leftover food off patrons’ plates. My girth would soon exceed most small moons.

Anything involving people*: If I have to act happy, social, responsive, helpful or friendly, chances are I’d be fired within a few hours. I can only put on my “Happy Extroverted Face” for so long before it starts to slip, and I resort to head bunting people who ask for directions to the bus stop.

Anything involving technology: I’ve had my Stupid Phone for two years, and still can’t figure out how the touch screen works. For me, website design involves selecting a new background for my Twitter page, or changing my profile picture on Facebook. Anything else requires a skills set I don’t have. My gaming experience never got past Pong or Pac-Man.

Anything involving danger: If there is a fear-o-pain scale from zero to Chuck Norris, I fall well below zero. I don’t have a gene that propels me to run toward danger. I have the gene that propels me to stop, drop and roll–even if there isn’t a fire. I could never be a police officer, firefighter, secret agent, Robocop, alien invader or politician. This also includes working with alligators, spiders, rare bacteria or teenagers.

chuck norris

You might be wondering, “Well, Peri, what can you do?” That’s a great question. Thanks for asking. I’m really good at sitting in my home, hiding behind a computer screen, monitoring social media, catching up on hit TV shows and wearing sweats. If you’re hiring, and I fit your job description, drop me a line.

*This also includes children, who are technically not people.

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Top 5 Ways to Make Money With Your Sweet Writing Skills

Yes, I know your heart’s desire is to write the next best-selling young adult fantasy trilogy that involves a love triangle between a goblin, a unicorn and a pair of comfy slippers but, not to dash your dreams into a glacier of cold reality, it’s probably not gonna happen.

(Are they assuming you’re writing for young adult dummies? I’m good with that.)

But you have great writing skills! Why not put them to good use? Here are some ways to incorporate writing skills into every day jobs–and make money! Win-win!

#1–Become a food server.  You always assume your waitress is writing your order on her little memo pad, but she might be jotting down your irritating characteristics as the basis for the villain in her next novel. As a food server, you can spend all day writing. Who cares if you never get the orders right?

#2–Write parking tickets. Add some creativity to the boring old parking ticket. You could write out the offense is several genres, such as–Shakespearean: “Thou hast parketh too near the hydrant of fire.” Agatha Christie: “Illegal parking is terribly revealing. Try and vary your methods as you will, your tastes, your habits, your attitude of mind, and your soul is revealed by your actions.”

#3–Create copy for cereal boxes.  Kids read this stuff, so it better be clever. Kids don’t go for bulls***–just give it to ’em straight. “This box contains processed circular grain-flavored shapes that may, or may not, contain dozens of unidentifiable chemicals and preservatives. It’s most likely this box of cereal will lead to your death in the years to come. Free toy inside!!!”

(How many years have you spent reading cereal boxes?)

#4–Write homework essays for the neighbor kids. This is a great way to make a quick buck–assuming your clients get a weekly allowance. No one wants to write about Melville or Dickens–but, for a small fee, you can create flawless essays about symbolism, social satire and funny character names.

#5– Write ads for Craigslist. In order to sell your product on the internet, it needs to have a catchy headline, so use your creative writing skills to capture the attention of the general public. “Strippers needed for baby shower!” “This NuvaWave appliance will CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!” “Moderately stained mattress can be yours today!” “Overdue library books–cheap!”

(With your finely tuned writing skills, you could sell this mattress to Martha Stewart.)