Maybe you haven’t noticed, but Christmas is fast approaching. Along with shopping, partying, trying not to gain 20 pounds, finding the perfect present for your crotchety neighbor, and avoiding those guilt-inducing Salvation Army bell ringers, stress levels are at an all-time high. There’s a good chance you’ll find yourself in a department store with absolutely no recollection of having walked through the doors.

(If this is you, don’t bother reading. Go on with your freakin’ perfect life.)

Here are ways to determine if you might be overdoing it this holiday season:

• You are in the mall–crying.
• You’re eating coffee beans straight from the bag.
• The sound of “Jingle Bells” makes you want to vomit.
• If Santa doesn’t move kids faster through his line, you’ll punch him in the kidney.
• Your Christmas wish list consists of drug/alcohol products.
• If you hear “Silent Night” one more time, you will pop your eardrums with a candy cane.
• Christmas lights are too loud.
• Your meals consist of sugar cookies, fudge and despair.
• You seriously consider converting to a non-Christmas-observing religion.
• People start suggesting the name of a good doctor.
• Your Christmas tree is mocking you.

(Stop laughing at me Mr. Pine Tree. I’m doing the best I can!!)

• If you hear Bing Crosby’s “Silver Bells” once more, you’ll stab a reindeer.
• You decide aluminum foil makes pretty wrapping paper.
• Nativity scenes make you angry.
• You find yourself in the middle of a Christmas tree lot, handing out uncooked pasta, in your underwear.
• You are asked to leave a department store because you won’t stop yelling, “You can’t handle the truth!”
• Children avoid you.
• If you receive one more happy family Christmas newsletter, you’re going to go all Unabomber.
• Your grandma slaps you to calm you down.
• Your family hides in the walk-in closet until you go to sleep.

Cheer up! It will be over soon, and you can look forward to a long, cold, dreary January.

(If one more person tells you to “Cheer up!” they might find a dismembered nutcracker in their fridge.)