Utah hosted its first Comic Con event–which seems like a slam dunk, because there are more sci-fi/fantasy geeks in Utah per cubic yard than there are Asians in China. So nerds across the state donned their Imperial stormtrooper armor, hopped in their Tardises (Tardii?) and beamed themselves to the Salt Palace in downtown Salt Lake.

(Landing site for the Geek Mothership in SL,UT.)

My husband dragged my reluctant carcass to the event so he could chase retro sci-fi stars (remember Richard Hatch, anyone?) and hobnob with cosplay characters. My first thought when I entered the convention center was, “Where the hell did all these people come from?” Knowing my allergy to large crowds, my husband quickly shuttled me to the food court to lull me with stir fry and cookies.

Because of the record-number nerd herds, I wasn’t able to see much. But I instantly realized I missed the memo that said all women must be wearing cleavage-revealing superslut clothing. Every girl from ages 10 to 90 was scantily clad (because décolletage is a super power, I guess), and every man from 10 to 90 was ogling these Wonder Women, Catwomen and even a few promiscuous Ewoks.

Old versions of William Shatner, Stan Lee and Adam West made appearances (with no noticeable cleavage. Well, Shatner, maybe). And crowds of people lined up to have their photo taken inside a Tardis. I thought about doing that, but since the line was 3.1 miles long, I didn’t feel like running a 5K to get my picture taken inside a spray-painted cardboard box.

(I’ve heard it’s supposed to be bigger inside.)

I guess the radon gas in the air affected my judgment, because I DID end up standing in a line (albeit a short one) to get photographed with a plaster replica of Gollum. He looked about as surprised as I was to be in the middle of such chaos.

 (Who the hell are these people?)

After we finally extricated ourselves from the crowds, we stumbled out of the Salt Palace, and back to reality. Would I go again? Not if I have to fight off hordes of Superheroes. Besides, it’s Utah. Life here is basically a Comic Con.