Every year, Hollywood holds the Academy Awards so the world can watch wealthy, dysfunctional people pat each other on the back. This year’s list of nominees was just released, and movie critics are appalled/delighted with the potential winners. If the only movie you’ve seen this year was Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill,” get off this blog and never come back. But if you’d like to watch the Oscars like a civilized person, you can’t. No one in Hollywood is civilized.

(A long, SNL skit gone horribly wrong.)

However, there are steps you can take to enjoy the Oscars, scheduled for broadcast in February–unless more Mayan conspiracy theories pop up in the next six weeks.

Step 1: Stock up on lots of alcohol for those fun Oscar drinking games, such as,  each time someone forgets to thank their spouse–drink up. You’ll be soused before you know it.

Step 2: Watch the nominated movies. Even the ones with subtitles. I don’t read the subtitles but try to guess what they’re saying by watching the reaction of those around them. I somehow never get it right.

(Oh! That’s what that means.)

Step 3: Practice walking in a bosom-revealing gown with five layers of Spanx, stiletto heels and shellacked hair, all while weighed down with millions of dollars in diamonds. And don’t eat for three days. This can give you a little insight into the “reality” of celebrity. (‘Cause doesn’t everyone you know do that?)

Step 4: Brush up on your condescending comments. (You’ll hear several from the losers following the awards program.) Such as:

• “It’s not unusual for something brilliant to be disdained.”
• “This film was a celebration of life and I am immune to professional criticism.”
• “I doubt the American public fully understood the depth of this film.” (Not said by Adam Sandler)
• “I felt (insert actor/actress) captured perfectly the nuanced ambiguity of the subject who was completely misunderstood.”

(Future movie critic.)

Step 5: Perfect your red carpet stance. Create a signature look that will embarrass/follow you for the rest of your life. Take your time. This is important.

(You just never know when you’ll start a trend.)

Now you’re ready to watch the 85th Annual Academy Awards in the comfort of your living room. Or leave the TV off and read a book.