February 18 was Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. Because I live in a state overrun with Mormons who don’t observe this tradition, most people here just know Lent involves a dirty smudge on the forehead and a big party on Fat Tuesday.

Typically, Lent requires faithful Christians of the Lutheran, Methodist or Catholic persuasion to give up something they love for 40 days until the Easter observation. While some people give up being religious for 40 days, others take it quite seriously and abstain from fattening foods (!), sugar (!!), sex (!!!) and watching funny animal videos on YouTube (!!!!).

Here’s what I’m giving up for Lent:

• My New Year’s resolutions
• Watching Better Call Saul (Just kidding. Not giving that up.)
• Trying to fold a fitted sheet

• Attempting to read Moby Dick/War and Peace/Heart of Darkness or anything by an overly revered author who probably didn’t understand what he wrote, either.
• Beating myself up for not being perfect
• The idea of wealth
• Hostess pies (specifically apple, cherry, blackberry and lemon)

(With “real” fruit filling.)

• Trying not to swear. (I’ve decided to embrace my piratey language and adopt a parrot to sit on my shoulder and imitate my salty vocabulary.)
• Diet Coke (which I never drink anyway)
• Patience with road-raged drivers
• Regular Coke (which is my reward for being alive every day)
• Trying to understand anything happening in Washington, D.C.
• Creamed spinach

(Yep, no problem giving this s*** up.)

• Listening
• Becoming a vegetarian
• Working hard
• Doing dishes

Just think what an amazing person I will be in 40 days!