10 Things We Do On Our Birthdays

I’m amazed when people tell me they don’t like birthdays. Whaaa???

You get cake! And presents! And people are nice to you (at least to your face). And you hear from strangers on Facebook!

Barbie

(Woo-hoo! Birthdays!)

I love birthdays. It brings out the kid in me. There’s an element of tradition and excitement that is unique to YOUR day–even though you celebrate it with thousands of other people around the world.

Having just celebrated a birthday, I realized that even though we’re “adults,” there are still funny birthday things we do. Like thus:

1. Convincing yourself you could pass for 25.

Me (looking in mirror): “Look at those crow’s feet. Are they new?”

Me: “What crow’s feet?”

Me: “That’s what I thought.”

2. Hearing people say, “You’re better off old than dead” or “Just getting better with age.” (I hate these people.)

3. Making sure to blow out all the candles. Because you never know. That wish thing might actually work someday.

4. Opening a birthday card and acting like you didn’t notice the $20 bill in it until you read the entire card. “Oh, wow! Twenty dollars! Thanks! I didn’t realize it was in my card because I was reading this heartfelt message from you.”

5. Hoping your husband read your mind and bought you that great pair of shoes you’ve been hinting at for six weeks–even when you insisted he didn’t need to get you anything for your birthday. (But if he didn’t . . . *shake fist*)

cookies

6. Acting like you’re too old to care about presents. But you know you love presents.

7. Checking your Facebook page every 5 minutes to read the birthday wishes.

8. Eating half of your birthday cake, and seven scoops of Cherry Garcia ice cream, because birthday calories don’t count.

9. Counting the years until the next milestone birthday. “Holy, s***! In twelve more years, I’ll be 60! Someone better bring me some more cake and ice cream.”

10. Presents and birthday cake. (Yes, I mentioned it before. But it never hurts to say it again.)

birthday

Best Reasons to Have a Birthday

Today’s my birthday! (I accept gift cards, cash or traveler’s checks.)

I’ve always had a child-like love for birthdays–mainly because I like presents, cake and spankings. And even though I’m turning 45 (?!?!), I’m still kickin’. (And, by “kickin'” I mean I can get dressed without help, and feed myself. Usually.)

stewie

Here are the best reasons to turn one year older:

  • It means I’m not dead. I’ve known many people who will never have a 45th birthday. So glad I made it this far.
  • Because “old age” is 10 years older than I am at any given time. I will never give in.
  • Young whippersnappers will finally respect me. (Riiiigghht. And Ke$ha will enter a glitter-free convent to devote her life to saving two-headed kittens.)

kesha(Don’t laugh. All that glitter is actually caused by a glandular problem.)

  • I can try all the age-defying products at Sephora. And there are LOTS.
  • At some point, older people become “cute,” as in, “Look at that cute old lady lifting weights. Isn’t that special?” Or “Did you see that cute lady hiking in the mountains? Bless her little heart.”
  • I’m one step closer to getting a senior discount card at Walgreens!
  • I can be bitchy, and blame it on being pre-menopausal.

bitch

  •  I can finally give up my dream of being a child star. (So much pressure.)
  • I can swear more. (See “older people become ‘cute'”)
  • All my high school clothes should be back in style soon.

I hope your July 5 is as good as mine will be! (But it won’t be–unless it’s your birthday, too.)