Today’s my birthday! (I accept gift cards, cash or traveler’s checks.)

I’ve always had a child-like love for birthdays–mainly because I like presents, cake and spankings. And even though I’m turning 45 (?!?!), I’m still kickin’. (And, by “kickin'” I mean I can get dressed without help, and feed myself. Usually.)

Here are the best reasons to turn one year older:

• It means I’m not dead. I’ve known many people who will never have a 45th birthday. So glad I made it this far.
• Because “old age” is 10 years older than I am at any given time. I will never give in.
• Young whippersnappers will finally respect me. (Riiiigghht. And Ke$ha will enter a glitter-free convent to devote her life to saving two-headed kittens.)

(Don’t laugh. All that glitter is actually caused by a glandular problem.)

• I can try all the age-defying products at Sephora. And there are LOTS.
• At some point, older people become “cute,” as in, “Look at that cute old lady lifting weights. Isn’t that special?” Or “Did you see that cute lady hiking in the mountains? Bless her little heart.”
• I’m one step closer to getting a senior discount card at Walgreens!
• I can be bitchy, and blame it on being pre-menopausal.

•  I can finally give up my dream of being a child star. (So much pressure.)
• I can swear more. (See “older people become ‘cute'”)
• All my high school clothes should be back in style soon.

I hope your July 5 is as good as mine will be! (But it won’t be–unless it’s your birthday, too.)