My Accurate Oscar Predictions

The most arrogant awards show in history airs on Sunday night. Everyone, and their dog, has made their predictions for who will win the coveted naked, gold man trophy during the Academy Awards. Besides the tedious thank you speeches, the long introductions and the snorefest of a production, some categories are often overlooked. Here are my 2012 Oscar predictions for those unsung categories:

Best Movie To Induce Vomiting: In my opinion, any rom-com can take home the Oscar for this category but, specifically, let’s go with “The Vow” for its overall smarminess. “The Five-Year Engagement” and “Playing for Keeps” tie for a close second.

vow(Free Pepto-Bismol with paid admission.)

Meth Dealer Featured in the Most Movies in 2012: Bryan Cranston wins the Oscar. With roles in “Argo,” “Total Recall,” “Rock of Ages” and “John Carter Bombs on Mars,” Cranston was EVERYWHERE. I guess, with being around all that methamphetamine, he can’t sleep. He might as well do something.

Best Use of Nicolas Cage’s “Acting” Skills:  In “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance,” Nicolas Cage’s character makes a deal with the devil that Cage will never make another “Ghost Rider” movie ever, ever, ever again.

Most Memorable Movie Tune: Chris Rock’s voice brings Marty the Zebra to life in “Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted” and gave viewers the most earwiggy song in cartoon history:

“Dah, dah, da-da-da-da, dah, dah circus, dah, dah, da-da-da-da, dah, dah afro, circus, afro, circus, afro, polka dot, polka dot, polka dot, afro!”marty

(Repeat this song until your nose bleeds.)

Best Reason to Export Adam Sandler: “That’s My Boy”

Best Movie About Old People Gettin’ It On: “Hope Springs.” I’ll never look at Tommy Lee Jones the same way. I had to scrub my eyes with bleach after leaving the movie.

Best Comedy:  “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2.” Enough with the sparkly vampires already. Contact me for the complete drinking game rules for this series.

Best Use of Daniel Craig in a Suit: “Skyfall”

Best Dairy Product in a Leading Role: “Butter.” In this greasy movie, Jennifer Garner discovers her talent for butter carving and vows to hire a new agent.

butter(Toast and jam will be extra.)

Best Butchering of a Dr. Seuss fable: I’m not sure which Dr. Seuss book the writers of “Dr. Seuss’s The Lorax” read, but I don’t think Theodor Geisel had anything to do with it.

Best Novel That Will Be Made Into Too Many Movies: “The Hobbit: Unexpected Journey to the Theater Over Several Years”

Best Movie That Got No Respect: One of my favorite movies in 2012, “Moonrise Kingdom,” should have been at the top of every critic’s Oscar list. There’s young love, teenage angst, orphans, danger, violence and Frances McDormand. What else does a movie need?

moonrise(She runs off with a Scout and brings only a suitcase full of books and a turntable. My kinda gal!)

Keep these unsung movies in mind as you watch Oscar host Seth MacFarlane chortle his way through the show. Hopefully, Stewie will be his co-host.

 

How to Prepare for the Oscars

Every year, Hollywood holds the Academy Awards so the world can watch wealthy, dysfunctional people pat each other on the back. This year’s list of nominees was just released, and movie critics are appalled/delighted with the potential winners. If the only movie you’ve seen this year was Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill,” get off this blog and never come back. But if you’d like to watch the Oscars like a civilized person, you can’t. No one in Hollywood is civilized.jack and jill

(A long, SNL skit gone horribly wrong.)

However, there are steps you can take to enjoy the Oscars, scheduled for broadcast in February–unless more Mayan conspiracy theories pop up in the next six weeks.

Step 1: Stock up on lots of alcohol for those fun Oscar drinking games, such as,  each time someone forgets to thank their spouse–drink up. You’ll be soused before you know it.

Step 2: Watch the nominated movies. Even the ones with subtitles. I don’t read the subtitles but try to guess what they’re saying by watching the reaction of those around them. I somehow never get it right.

subtitle(Oh! That’s what that means.)

Step 3: Practice walking in a bosom-revealing gown with five layers of Spanx, stiletto heels and shellacked hair, all while weighed down with millions of dollars in diamonds. And don’t eat for three days. This can give you a little insight into the “reality” of celebrity. (‘Cause doesn’t everyone you know do that?)

Step 4: Brush up on your condescending comments. (You’ll hear several from the losers following the awards program.) Such as:

  • “It’s not unusual for something brilliant to be disdained.”
  • “This film was a celebration of life and I am immune to professional criticism.”
  • “I doubt the American public fully understood the depth of this film.” (Not said by Adam Sandler)
  • “I felt (insert actor/actress) captured perfectly the nuanced ambiguity of the subject who was completely misunderstood.”

disdain(Future movie critic.)

Step 5: Perfect your red carpet stance. Create a signature look that will embarrass/follow you for the rest of your life. Take your time. This is important.angelina

(You just never know when you’ll start a trend.)

Now you’re ready to watch the 85th Annual Academy Awards in the comfort of your living room. Or leave the TV off and read a book.