My Accurate Oscar Predictions

The most arrogant awards show in history airs on Sunday night. Everyone, and their dog, has made their predictions for who will win the coveted naked, gold man trophy during the Academy Awards. Besides the tedious thank you speeches, the long introductions and the snorefest of a production, some categories are often overlooked. Here are my 2012 Oscar predictions for those unsung categories:

Best Movie To Induce Vomiting: In my opinion, any rom-com can take home the Oscar for this category but, specifically, let’s go with “The Vow” for its overall smarminess. “The Five-Year Engagement” and “Playing for Keeps” tie for a close second.

vow(Free Pepto-Bismol with paid admission.)

Meth Dealer Featured in the Most Movies in 2012: Bryan Cranston wins the Oscar. With roles in “Argo,” “Total Recall,” “Rock of Ages” and “John Carter Bombs on Mars,” Cranston was EVERYWHERE. I guess, with being around all that methamphetamine, he can’t sleep. He might as well do something.

Best Use of Nicolas Cage’s “Acting” Skills:  In “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance,” Nicolas Cage’s character makes a deal with the devil that Cage will never make another “Ghost Rider” movie ever, ever, ever again.

Most Memorable Movie Tune: Chris Rock’s voice brings Marty the Zebra to life in “Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted” and gave viewers the most earwiggy song in cartoon history:

“Dah, dah, da-da-da-da, dah, dah circus, dah, dah, da-da-da-da, dah, dah afro, circus, afro, circus, afro, polka dot, polka dot, polka dot, afro!”marty

(Repeat this song until your nose bleeds.)

Best Reason to Export Adam Sandler: “That’s My Boy”

Best Movie About Old People Gettin’ It On: “Hope Springs.” I’ll never look at Tommy Lee Jones the same way. I had to scrub my eyes with bleach after leaving the movie.

Best Comedy:  “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2.” Enough with the sparkly vampires already. Contact me for the complete drinking game rules for this series.

Best Use of Daniel Craig in a Suit: “Skyfall”

Best Dairy Product in a Leading Role: “Butter.” In this greasy movie, Jennifer Garner discovers her talent for butter carving and vows to hire a new agent.

butter(Toast and jam will be extra.)

Best Butchering of a Dr. Seuss fable: I’m not sure which Dr. Seuss book the writers of “Dr. Seuss’s The Lorax” read, but I don’t think Theodor Geisel had anything to do with it.

Best Novel That Will Be Made Into Too Many Movies: “The Hobbit: Unexpected Journey to the Theater Over Several Years”

Best Movie That Got No Respect: One of my favorite movies in 2012, “Moonrise Kingdom,” should have been at the top of every critic’s Oscar list. There’s young love, teenage angst, orphans, danger, violence and Frances McDormand. What else does a movie need?

moonrise(She runs off with a Scout and brings only a suitcase full of books and a turntable. My kinda gal!)

Keep these unsung movies in mind as you watch Oscar host Seth MacFarlane chortle his way through the show. Hopefully, Stewie will be his co-host.


Movies That Scarred Me For Life

In my current Life and Laughter column, I discussed scary movies and how they basically ruined me. Here’s a more complete list of life-altering movies that made me who I am today. Messed up.

The Wizard of Oz: The tornado in this movie scared the living s*** out of me. I was convinced that every windstorm would carry our home to a place with helium-voiced dwarves, apple-throwing trees and green-faced witches. Still not sure that won’t happen. And don’t even get me started on the flying monkeys ripping apart the Scarecrow. Hello, therapy.

Salem’s Lot: This made-for-TV scare-fest featuring creepy vampires kept me from looking out the window for years. I still picture the pale vampire hovering outside the window, just waiting to come in for a drink. Or a bite. Who keeps their curtains open in the middle of the night????

Aliens: I never actually watched this movie but my dad had a graphic novel depicting the plot that kept me awake for about 24 months. I couldn’t stop staring at the page where the alien bursts out of the guy’s chest. Very nicely drawn–graphically correct. The drawing of the grown-up alien with slobbery blood dripping from his jowls was another definite nightmare inducer.

Planet of the Apes: Talk about evolution taken to the extreme. In this NOT-FOR-KIDS movie my dad made us watch, apes have taken over the planet (not apes like Newt Gingrich or Rush Limbaugh–but actual gorilla apes). It’s HILARIOUS now, but when you’re a little girl afraid of small dogs, the idea of apes locking humans up in cages was more than a little unnerving.

The only redeeming part of the movie (which also gave me nightmares) was Charlton Heston’s lines when he realized he was on earth the whole time.

“Oh my God. I’m back. I’m home. All the time, it was… We finally really did it!”
[Heston screaming]
“You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!”

Freaked me out for many, many years.

What movies messed up your childhood?