Things I’ll Never Say at a BBQ

star wars

(For Star Wars nerds.)

Summer means BBQs which means getting corn-on-the-cob stuck between my teeth and coming down with salmonella poisoning from all the meat and salads left on the patio for hours. It means watching flies land on the watermelon, and ice-cream bars melting down my forearms.

But no matter how much I love a good steak on the grill, there are just some things I will never say at a BBQ.

For instance:

“There’s a cup of kale in each hamburger!”

“Will someone pass me the potato salad?”

“No, thank you. I’ve had enough brownies.”

tofu

“I’d love a tofu kebab!”

“Boy, a beer sure sounds refreshing right now.”

“Wow! That’s too much bacon on my burger.”

“Could you hand me the guacamole?”

“Of course I can eat ribs without dripping BBQ sauce all over my white shorts.”

“I’ll bring the mayonnaise!”

“I sure hope someone grills me up a big slab of headcheese!”

headcheese

(What. The. F***. Is. This?)

“I’d just like one potato chip, please.”

“I sure wish I could have some of that tuna salad.”

“Does someone want to share a s’more with me?”

“NO! I don’t need a napkin!”

“Wow, that coleslaw looks delicious.”

Enjoy your barbecues while you can! People are already saying stupid things like, “I can sure feel fall in the air.” Shut up, you.

Top 5 Reasons to Not Eat Avocados

I’m basically an all-food eating machine. But there are some items of “food” I must refuse–on totally valid grounds. For instance, I don’t eat mayonnaise because it’s icky. I refuse to eat squid because it’s icky. In fact, most foods I don’t eat are just plain icky.

Take the avocado–please (ba-dum-dum). Besides not knowing which food classification it falls into (fruit? veggie? mineral? alien life form?) avocados are just plain ugly. I know they say it’s a fruit. But fruit is delicious. There’s even an Avocados are Yucky and Gross Facebook page.

avocado

(Who thought this looked like a good idea to eat?)

In order to save you from unintentionally consuming one of these Alligator Pears from the Jurassic era, here are a few reasons to leave these buggers alone:

1. A waste of water. Did you know it takes 74 gallons of water to grow ONE pound of avocados? So not only are they disgusting, they’re also greedy, drought-causing little bastards.

2. False advertising. Health food nuts proclaim the common avocado is a fantastic addition to their already boring diet. But these ugly, oval-shaped, bumpy fruits (?) have TONS of fat. Health nuts also say it’s a healthy type of fat, but then you have to also include the cream filling of Oreo cookies as a healthy fat. goodfat

3. It ruins other foods. Take your basic, delicious hamburger. Smothered in pickles, tomatoes, ketchup and a hint of mustard, it’s a beautiful thing. Woe be unto those who slather their burgers with avocado or guacamole (the roadkill version).  What kind of animals are you?

4. Can you say “Poison”? Yes. Avocados are poisonous. All right, if you want to get technical, they are not usually dangerous to humans (unless ingested) but they are VERY toxic to horses, goats, cattle and birds. Why hasn’t PETA banned this slimy substance?

5.  Gross recipes. As if the regular avocado wasn’t bad enough, people try to create different ways of hiding these bilious bombs in other foods. I already mentioned the roadkill guacamole which is served at parties by hosts who don’t like their guests very much. There’s also avocado soup (really??), avocado smoothies (gag) and avocado coconut cream pie???!!! Now, sir, you’ve gone too far!

AVOCADO_COCONUT_PIE-450x440

Questions that Keep Me Up at Night

Some nights I can’t sleep. After I stop counting sheep, calculating how many more hours of sleep I could get if I fell asleep immediately, and consider getting up to read (which I don’t because I’m too tired), I start pondering the important questions of life.

Not questions like, “If you weren’t scared, what would you do?” (I would ride a crocodile) or “What is the meaning of life?” (Hot fudge brownie sundaes). I mean questions like:

  • Who determined the size of a toilet-paper square? When did it become universal?
  • Why is there nothing to eat in my kitchen?
  • When did hotels stop using bedspreads, opting instead for the 2-foot wide table runner draped across the bed?

hotel bed

(Why is this a thing?)

  • Why do I get black gunk in the corner of my eyes?
  • How can I tell if anti-aging cream is working?
  • Why are there so many keys on a keyboard?
  • Is it really possible to tip a cow?
  • Who ate the last Oreo?
  • Why are the showers in hotel bathrooms placed at a height of 5 feet?
  • Why do people keep trying to make me eat guacamole?

guac

(This is about as unappetizing as you can get.)

  • Is it possible that Victoria’s Secret is that she’s afraid of being fully clothed?
  • What should I be when I grow up?
  • What would my gangsta name be?
  • Is there really nothing to eat in this house?
  • Why does hockey/basketball season last so long?

About the time my questions turn into, “Why does blue feel like a chocolate donut?” or “If I had a pet genie would it taste like chicken?”, I realize I’m finally drifting off to sleep. Pleasant dreams.