Things I’ll Never Say at a BBQ

star wars

(For Star Wars nerds.)

Summer means BBQs which means getting corn-on-the-cob stuck between my teeth and coming down with salmonella poisoning from all the meat and salads left on the patio for hours. It means watching flies land on the watermelon, and ice-cream bars melting down my forearms.

But no matter how much I love a good steak on the grill, there are just some things I will never say at a BBQ.

For instance:

“There’s a cup of kale in each hamburger!”

“Will someone pass me the potato salad?”

“No, thank you. I’ve had enough brownies.”

tofu

“I’d love a tofu kebab!”

“Boy, a beer sure sounds refreshing right now.”

“Wow! That’s too much bacon on my burger.”

“Could you hand me the guacamole?”

“Of course I can eat ribs without dripping BBQ sauce all over my white shorts.”

“I’ll bring the mayonnaise!”

“I sure hope someone grills me up a big slab of headcheese!”

headcheese

(What. The. F***. Is. This?)

“I’d just like one potato chip, please.”

“I sure wish I could have some of that tuna salad.”

“Does someone want to share a s’more with me?”

“NO! I don’t need a napkin!”

“Wow, that coleslaw looks delicious.”

Enjoy your barbecues while you can! People are already saying stupid things like, “I can sure feel fall in the air.” Shut up, you.

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