Top 5 Reasons I’ll Never Run For Office

Presidential candidates are sharpening their knives, honing their wit and polishing up their toothy smiles. With a possible Romney/Bush/Palin ticket, what could possibly go wrong?

I have no desire to run for office. Zero. Zip. Nada.

I’ve been watching the hilarious sitcom, Veep, where I’ve learned all kinds of ways to insert swear words into everyday conversation. And although I could @$%&ing excel at that type of linguistic behavior, Veep also demonstrates the backbiting, power struggles, insecurities and hypocrisy that exists in today’s political landscape.


(These people are horrible. But it’s fiction, right? Right?!?!)

So (not that I was considering it), here are the reasons I’ll never run for POTUS, mayor, the library board or PTA hospitality chairperson.

1–I’m too thin-skinned. A boy in third grade told me I ran like a girl. I couldn’t imagine a more hurtful insult. Of course this same boy threw earthworms at my face, broke my pencils in half and pulled my pigtails. I’m pretty sure he loved me. But negative comments REALLY make me feel bad. And I don’t hear a lot of compliments or praise coming from political opponents.

2–I have no patience with whiners. Ask my kids. You whine, I stop listening. If my constituents call about potholes, the height of their neighbor’s garage or the price of Girl Scout Cookies, I’ll calmly hang up.


(Yes, they are hideously expensive. But they’re also unhealthy, fattening and addictive!)

3–I can’t make a decision. Don’t ask me what movie I want to see, what restaurant I want to go to, what my favorite book is or if I’d rather be on a beach or in a luxury hotel. The answer is I don’t know! It’s all good!! So when it comes to voting on bike lanes, economic development or elephant sanctuaries, I don’t know!

4–I hate meetings. All politics seems to be is a bunch of meetings. Just give me cement shoes and throw me in the Great Salt Lake. Listening to politicians bluster and brag is the tortuous equivalent to a dentist’s drill boring through my eardrum. Plus I can’t sit still. Plus I can’t resist making smart-ass comments. Plus most meetings are a complete waste of time. (Sidenote: Read How to Survive a Boring Meeting.)

5–I don’t have nearly enough money. The average income for congressmen living in Washington, D.C. is around $190,000. And that’s in American dollars! But. It cost them millions of dollars to buy their way onto Capitol Hill. Lobbyists aren’t cheap, you know. I don’t have wealthy friends willing to open their wallets to sponsor my doomed run for office. I don’t even have friends willing to post bail. I need to get new friends.

Just to reiterate. You will not be seeing a Peri for President campaign anytime soon. Not even for @$%&ing Girl Scout cookies.


Things I Just Don’t Understand

This isn’t about anti-matter, Morgellon’s disease, the elusive monopole or other mysterious terms people throw out to sound smart. These are just ordinary, daily things that make NO sense to me. Maybe you can help clarify.

  • Why do people at Wal-Mart shuffle their feet? No one strides through Wal-Mart or briskly scans the aisles; it’s  a sloth-like, death march, with many Wal-Martians leaning against the hand-rail of the shopping cart, looking like malaria victims.

(This is also beyond my understanding. In so many ways.)

  • Wood pencils that have the phrase “Save the Trees.”
  • Why Newt Gingrich is still running for the GOP nomination.  As Jimmy Kimmel said, “Newt puts the “hippo” in “hypocrite.”
  • Why religious sects continue to fight about whose God is the best. Isn’t that like arguing over which imaginary friend is the strongest?
 (And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.”)
  • Why are Girl Scout cookies only sold once a year? Do employees at Little Brownie Bakers only work three months a year–and then they’re off for the year with full-pay and all the Samoas they can eat? And where can I apply?
  • Why do women wax, shave, exfoliate, cleanse, moisturize and mask? Men only shave. Sometimes.
  • Speaking of grooming, why does shampoo come with operating instructions?

(Do people often get these steps confused?)

    • Why haven’t men learn to read minds? They’ve had thousands of years of evolution to do this. On the other hand, women have read men’s minds for millenia. That’s why women are usually pissed off.
    • Why do teenagers insist on walking SLOWLY down the center of the street? Maybe they’re practicing for a trip to Wal-Mart. (If they’re going to walk in the road, they could at least hop around so I can pretend we’re playing Frogger.)