It’s inevitable. In 10 days, a gold and diamond encrusted ShitMobile will usher the new First Family into the White House. Barring a Colorado-sized asteroid hitting the planet, chances are the new Commander in Chief will kick off the next four years of tyranny. . . um, I mean . . . what do I mean?
You’d think with his kind of $$$$, he could buy a thick skin—which he’ll need since Alec Baldwin has a 4-year gig on SNL and Meryl Streep called him out at the Golden Globes and journalists worry about his relationship with the press. He repeatedly responds to criticism with his big Twitter thumbs a-blazing, never allowing a comment to pass without an overreaction.
I thought it would be fun (horrifying) to reacquaint ourselves with our new Prez’s . . . um . . . original way of speaking by compiling some of his most inspirational (bat-shit-crazy) quotes.
“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” (Just threw up a little.)
“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.” (I thought it was his radioactive glow.)
“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” (More with the throwing up.)
“I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.” (He buys his women in bulk at Costco.)
“My Twitter has become so powerful that I can actually make my enemies tell the truth.” (Just like Wonder Woman’s golden lasso!! He is just like us!)
“My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.” (I don’t understand.)
“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” (True, not sexist, wisdom from our President.)
“Meryl Streep, one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood . . .” (Has he ever seen a movie?)
“One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don’t go into government.” (We’ll end our list with that ironic statement.)
I’ve given up hope that Ashton Kutcher has organized a monumental Punk’d episode. I’ve become accustomed to the idea that our country will be led by someone too intelligent to take advice, too wealthy to understand poverty and too horny to be respected.
I honestly hope he proves me wrong.
“I would bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding.”
Dear, God. We’re so screwed.