Confusing Christmas Lyrics

Nothing makes sense when you’re a kid. And then Christmas comes along, and any remaining sense flies out the window. Exactly what is figgy pudding? And I’d never seen a chestnut, let alone roasted one on an open fire. I always imagined it was similar to Jiffy Pop Popcorn.

On top of the regular Christmas confusion, there were holiday songs that never quite penetrated my childish brain. The lyrics seemed wrong, and sometimes downright inappropriate.  Here are the lyrics that never made sense to me when I learned these songs at Viewmont Elementary.

  • In Silent Night, why are the “Olives calm. Olives bright.”? And calling Mary the “Round, young virgin” may have been accurate, but seemed a little callous to my child’s mind.

silent night

  • The first line of Up on the House Top completely messed with my brain. “Up on the housetop, reindeer paws.” Reindeer don’t have paws! Good grief.
  • Stalker Santa appeared in Santa Claus is Coming to Town. In one of the first NSA tracking systems on record, Santa Claus “Knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good.” I was surprised every year that I didn’t wake up to an entire truckload of coal on Christmas morning.
  • Deck the Halls  was created in a language of complete gibberish. What the hell does “Troll the ancient yuletide carol” mean?! The whole song sounds like it was written by drunk leprechauns.
  • In Do You Hear What I Hear, there’s the line that says, “A Child, a Child shivers in the cold, Let us bring Him silver and gold.”
    Are you stupid? Bring the kid a blanket! He’s shivering!
  • The Little Drummer Boy stretched my childlike credibility to the limit. Even I knew a young mother Mary wouldn’t want a little kid banging his drum while the baby Jesus was sleeping. A drum solo is not a gift.

drummer

(Am I the only one who watched this?)

  • And explain to me, oh writers of Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, how do you dance in a “new old-fashioned way?” Is there a twerking waltz or a hip-hop minuet?
  • The 12 Days of Christmas was a mystery to me. Why was some poor woman getting presents for 12 days that included geese, swans, hens, turtle doves and calling birds? Did she have room for that many feathered friends? I always thought her “true love” was a douche.
  • In We Three Kings, I never quite understood where their land Orient Are could be found.
  • Add to this list any song that carried on about the magical, fantasy-land appearance of snow, like Winter Wonderland, White Christmas and Let it Snow. Snow is cold, and usually miserable. If you’ve ever dropped your mittens in ice water, and had to walk to school with your fingers frozen together, you might understand.

cold

(He’s fine. Just enjoying the Winter Wonderland.)

As you go through the holiday, keep in mind the children around you are confused, over-stimulated and greedy as s***. Don’t make it harder for them by singing songs that make no Christmas sense.

Feliz Navidad!

How to Tell if You Have Holiday Stress

Maybe you haven’t noticed, but Christmas is fast approaching. Along with shopping, partying, trying not to gain 20 pounds, finding the perfect present for your crotchety neighbor, and avoiding those guilt-inducing Salvation Army bell ringers, stress levels are at an all-time high. There’s a good chance you’ll find yourself in a department store with absolutely no recollection of having walked through the doors.

barbie(If this is you, don’t bother reading. Go on with your freakin’ perfect life.)

Here are ways to determine if you might be overdoing it this holiday season:

  • You are in the mall–crying.
  • You’re eating coffee beans straight from the bag.
  • The sound of “Jingle Bells” makes you want to vomit.
  • If Santa doesn’t move kids faster through his line, you’ll punch him in the kidney.
  • Your Christmas wish list consists of drug/alcohol products.
  • If you hear “Silent Night” one more time, you will pop your eardrums with a candy cane.
  • Christmas lights are too loud.
  • Your meals consist of sugar cookies, fudge and despair.
  • You seriously consider converting to a non-Christmas-observing religion.
  • People start suggesting the name of a good doctor.
  • Your Christmas tree is mocking you.

DSC_0798(Stop laughing at me Mr. Pine Tree. I’m doing the best I can!!)

  • If you hear Bing Crosby’s “Silver Bells” once more, you’ll stab a reindeer.
  • You decide aluminum foil makes pretty wrapping paper.
  • Nativity scenes make you angry.
  • You find yourself in the middle of a Christmas tree lot, handing out uncooked pasta, in your underwear.
  • You are asked to leave a department store because you won’t stop yelling, “You can’t handle the truth!”
  • Children avoid you.
  • If you receive one more happy family Christmas newsletter, you’re going to go all Unabomber.
  • Your grandma slaps you to calm you down.
  • Your family hides in the walk-in closet until you go to sleep.

Cheer up! It will be over soon, and you can look forward to a long, cold, dreary January.

(If one more person tells you to “Cheer up!” they might find a dismembered nutcracker in their fridge.)