Romantic Ideas for Valentine’s Day

As most of you know, I’m as far from romantic as I could possibly be. (See Romance 101.) But each February I attempt to bring a modicum of romance to Valentine’s Day. (Modicum definition: smidgen—or a solitary carnivore in the weasel family. I never remember.)

(A modicum in its natural habitat.)

I scour websites for ways to show my hubbie I love him.  I try to avoid anything that involves a) public nudity, b) photography, c) snake handling, d) McDonald’s–or any combination of the above.

Here are some “romantic” things I’ll do for my husband this Valentine’s Day:

• Hide notes for him around the house. I tried this once using words made from cut-up magazines and newspapers, with a demand for new shoes–or his favorite golf club would disappear forever. He didn’t find it romantic at all.
• Attend a public event without whining. My husband is uber-social. He likes people. So, just for this special day, I’ll go to a public event without complaining, begging to leave or sulking in the bathroom. Probably.
• Kiss him in an unusual place. Maybe I didn’t understand this one correctly, but I guess kissing him by the garbage cans didn’t count.
• Watch golf with him without complaining. Are you kidding?!?! I think that’s going a little too far. . .
• Wear some sexy lingerie. He really will enjoy this. But he’d probably enjoy it more if my idea of “sexy” lingerie didn’t include any T-shirt that doesn’t have a ketchup stain. And fluffy pajama pants. And fuzzy socks.

(I’m sexy and I know it.)

• Surprise him with a fun gift. I really hope he likes the new yoga pants I bought him. And matching earrings.
• Wink at him seductively when you’re at a public event. (Assuming I’m not hiding in the bathroom.) The last time I tried winking seductively, he thought I was having a stroke and drove me to the ER.
• Initiate sex. I can’t do this without giggling. So, in a Pavlovian effect, every time I giggle, my husband starts getting undressed.

I think I’ll just stick with the basics: candy, card, a passionate kiss and a sincere, “I love you.” That should do it.