Unless you’re a skier, snowboarder, ice fisherman, Eskimo or professional snowman assembler, Utah winters suck.

Since I’m none of those things, I’m also homebound. Of course, I could go out and try a snow sport, but that would involve putting on ski pants, gloves, scarves, boots, thermal underwear, ear muffs and parkas. By the time I’m ready to go out in the snow, I’m too tired–and weigh an additional 4o pounds.

(Playing in the snow or deep-sea diving?)

For those of you unfamiliar with winter (I hate you), I’ll define some key words to help you understand Utah winters–and why I should move to a warmer climate.

Inversion: Every winter, a science fiction-ish fog settles in the Salt Lake Valley, choking our lungs and robbing us of sunshine for weeks on end. The Utah Legislature also convenes during this time. Coincidence? I think not.

(See the pretty cloud cover? Yeah, the entire city is buried under that gunk cloud.)

Salt: To keep our streets ice-free (and tasty) road crews sprinkle TONS of salt on Utah freeways so our cars don’t careen off overpasses. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But, by February, every car in the state is coated with a fine film of salt that slowly corrodes all metal, leaving a rusty shell of a vehicle. The Utah Legislature also convenes during this time. Coincidence? I think not.

Commuter Special: This highly irritating term was created by Utah meteorologists to laughingly describe a storm that hits during morning or evening rush hours. (Hahaha! That’s hilarious.) So far this year, every storm has hit during rush hour. Not quite so special anymore. So shut the hell up, weathermen.

(Just another day in paradise. Did I say paradise? I meant hell.)

Lake Effect Snow: Ah, the Great Salt Lake. Good for absolutely nothing except farming brine shrimp. This is the snowstorm after the original snowstorm, caused by the Great Salt Lake trying to get our attention.

Winter Storm Warning: This redundant term is used when heavy snow is expected. In Utah, it’s also called December, January, February, March, April, May and June.

Shoveling Snow: Touted as a “great workout” by those who can’t afford environmentally-damaging snow blowers. This is bull****. Shoveling snow sucks. And snow plow drivers enjoy pushing snow back onto sidewalks that were just shoveled. I hate them.

(I do not LMFAO while shoveling. Or Shuffling.)

Snow blizzards, warnings, advisories, flurries, etc. Weather synonyms thrown out by meteorologists when they can’t just say “snow storm.”

If you’re lucky enough to live in a snowless area (I hate you), count your blessings. If you’re in Utah, keep smiling. June is only five months away.