I’m very specific when it comes to holiday decorating. First, NO Christmas decorations can go up before Thanksgiving. Not even a tiny candy cane. Second, Christmas shouldn’t equal tacky.

(O Holy S**t! Do not stare directly into the display.)

I’m not the Martha Stewart of holiday decorating, but I do draw the line at the following Christmas adornments:

• Anything inflatable. Whether it’s a snowman, a gaggle of penguins or Mary and Joseph, your front yard is NOT the Macy’s Day Thanksgiving parade. PLUS, during the day they lay across the lawn, uninflated, like used condoms.
• Mixing Santa with the nativity. I’m pretty sure  Santa didn’t drop by the manger to leave a remote control car for the Baby Jesus. WORSE: Having the nativity made up of non-nativical characters such as penguins, teddy bears and my personal favorite–dinosaurs!! Explain THAT evolutionists–or creationists, for that matter.

(Is this where the song “Duck the Halls” came from?)

• Christmas lights where the drunk redneck obviously gave up halfway through the project. The first half of the roof is precise, even and brightly lit. The second half is barely hanging on to the eaves, sputtering light every few seconds.
• Santa portrayed as Snoopy, a snowman, Mickey Mouse, etc. I’m a Christmas purist. Santa is a fat man with a white beard who is a possible diabetic, potential pedophile and a definite drunk.
• Any decoration made out of empty beer cans.
• Threatening Christmas ornaments. In most cases, Christmas should not be fear-inducing. If your child cringes when you put up your decorations, you might want to reevaluate. Grenade-laden Santas, terrorist snowmen and a gun-toting Rudolph should not adorn your Christmas tree.

(Okay, I admit. I’ll probably buy this.)

• Big blow-up Santas hiding in the bushes. Not only does this violate the no-inflatables rule, let’s teach our children that old men are hiding in the shrubbery, watching their every move.
• Santa peeing a stream of yellow christmas lights from the chimney to the virgin snow below. Yes, it was funny the first few times, but really?!?! We’re letting an incontinent old man pee off the roof?

 (Okay. It’s still funny.)