Love your kids? Don’t buy them any of these toys–unless you are raising blood-thirsty, stuffed animal-obssessed, tattoo ninjas from hell. Which I am.

Power Rangers Megablade: Your little hero will love the real-life disemboweling action of this sword. The megablade not only swings open–but it extends two feet long! Your little serial killer can stab someone from across the room! Plus it comes with slashy and squishy battle sounds.

(“I said, make me some nachos, mama!”)

Baby Alive Crib Life: This hip Baby Alive lives in her “crib” and is too cool for school.  Plus, you can buy a roller skating outfit for Baby Alive. Who buys roller skates for a freakin’ 8 month old?  Put your baby in skates and shove her down the hall. That’s some good parenting there.

(Maybe it comes with its own head trauma kit.)

VTech Care & Learn Teddy: This hypochondriac stuffed bear comes complete with a gash to the head, various bodily injuries and a stethoscope–to make everything all better. Maybe he can repair Baby Alive’s broken femur.

(With the purchase of this bear and Baby Alive, you get a free visit from child services!)

Let’s Rock Elmo: Everyone’s favorite, squeaky-voiced muppet has been given an alter ego. Watch Elmo as he smashes guitars, slaps his hos, smokes crack and destroys your child’s bedroom during his wild all-night parties. Next up: Rehab Elmo.

(Hey kids! Don’t buy drugs. Once you’re a rock star, you get them free!)

Totally Stylin’ Tattoo Barbie:  I have nothing against tattoos–except I will never get one because I’m seriously allergic to needles, pain and ink. But should I be concerned this is a gateway Barbie? Maybe next, Barbie will come with pierced nipples, an assortment of cigarettes and a snarky attitude.

 (The ultimate Tramp Stamp Barbie.)

Doggie Doo: “I know a fun game!! Let’s pick up dog poop!!” From past experience, I know this ploy never works. But now your kids can play the Doggie Doo game where you feed and walk a little pup, then clean up its messes with a shovel. Who the hell dreams this crap up?

Actual game rule: “You can only pick up the dog’s mess when it has fallen on the table. When it is hanging outside the end of the dog, just tap him on the back until it drops.”

 (Keep puppy regular by shoving plastic dough down his throat.)