The Stockings were Flung in the Chimney with Flair

Every year on November 30, while my girls slept, I’d spend the evening putting up Christmas decorations. I’d place every Santa just so and every angel just right. My daughters would wake up to a magical Christmas wonderland with twinkling lights, cinnamon-scented pinecones and beautifully wrapped packages.

branch-celebration-christmas-257909That was my dream. Reality was much different.

Oh, the house was decorated, and the girls were excited, but within five minutes the entire holiday-scape was destroyed.

My daughters would walk into the idyllic wonderland I’d created, squeal with glee and run to their favorite Christmas decoration. One daughter immediately turned on the display that had Disney characters barking your favorite carols. If you haven’t heard “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” sung in “Woofs” by Pluto for 25 days in a row, you don’t know the real meaning of Christmas.

Another daughter ran to the Nativity scene where she helped Mother Mary run off with Frosty the Snowman, leaving Baby Jesus in the care of a 6-foot polar bear wearing a holiday scarf.

Yet another daughter took the ornamental French horn off the wall and marched through the house trumpeting Jingle Bells. Not to be outdone, her little sister used the tree skirt as a cloak and pretended to be the Queen of Christmas, which caused several fistfights in front of the holy manger.

When the girls went off to school each day, I’d put all the decorations back in their traditionally ordained locations. I found Ken and Barbie naked in a Christmas stocking. I discovered one of the Wise Men snuggled with an angel behind an advent calendar. I glued the shepherds’ crooks back on because the girls would have them fight ninja-style and kept breaking them off.

I found the singing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer shoved into a pile of laundry. Oh, wait. I’d put that there. Because it never shut up.

The girls would come home from school and spend the rest of the evening rearranging the decorations while I radiated anger.

“Leave the damn tree alone!” I’d repeat 40 times a day.

“But someone moved my ornament from its special place.” (Insert the sound of Christmas decorations falling off the tree.)

When I found the Christmas pillow I had painstakingly cross-stitched had been used to wipe up a Kool-Aid spill, I finally lost it. I was exhausted from trying to redecorate the house every day to keep everything looked perfect.

I screeched, in a very unholiday voice, “Put the Baby Jesus back in the manger before I tell Santa to burn all your presents!”

Everyone froze. The daughter who had wrapped Baby Jesus in layers of toilet paper to keep him warm looked at me, eyes brimming with tears. “I just wanted to hold him,” she said, as her lip quivered.

art-celebration-child-701025

That’s when it hit me. I was the Grinch. Why the hell was I ruining Christmas? Why was I trying to keep everything perfect? To my daughters, it was already perfect. They loved the decorations and wanted to play with them for the short time they were displayed.

I took a few deep breaths. I apologized. I even agreed to sit through a Christmas play where the Wise Men kidnapped Jesus and held him for ransom, but a stuffed Santa Claus karate-kicked the Wise Men to rescue the holy babe who was given back to Mother Mary. (She had returned from her illicit rendezvous with Frosty in time to change the baby’s diaper and put him back in the manger.)

My house was messy and emotional, but delightful and creative, too. This was my Christmas wonderland.

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Holiday Decorations That Need to Go!

I’m very specific when it comes to holiday decorating. First, NO Christmas decorations can go up before Thanksgiving. Not even a tiny candy cane. Second, Christmas shouldn’t equal tacky.

(O Holy S**t! Do not stare directly into the display.)

I’m not the Martha Stewart of holiday decorating, but I do draw the line at the following Christmas adornments:

  • Anything inflatable. Whether it’s a snowman, a gaggle of penguins or Mary and Joseph, your front yard is NOT the Macy’s Day Thanksgiving parade. PLUS, during the day they lay across the lawn, uninflated, like used condoms.
  • Mixing Santa with the nativity. I’m pretty sure  Santa didn’t drop by the manger to leave a remote control car for the Baby Jesus. WORSE: Having the nativity made up of non-nativical characters such as penguins, teddy bears and my personal favorite–dinosaurs!! Explain THAT evolutionists–or creationists, for that matter.

(Is this where the song “Duck the Halls” came from?)

  • Christmas lights where the drunk redneck obviously gave up halfway through the project. The first half of the roof is precise, even and brightly lit. The second half is barely hanging on to the eaves, sputtering light every few seconds.
  • Santa portrayed as Snoopy, a snowman, Mickey Mouse, etc. I’m a Christmas purist. Santa is a fat man with a white beard who is a possible diabetic, potential pedophile and a definite drunk.
  • Any decoration made out of empty beer cans.
  • Threatening Christmas ornaments. In most cases, Christmas should not be fear-inducing. If your child cringes when you put up your decorations, you might want to reevaluate. Grenade-laden Santas, terrorist snowmen and a gun-toting Rudolph should not adorn your Christmas tree.

(Okay, I admit. I’ll probably buy this.)

  • Big blow-up Santas hiding in the bushes. Not only does this violate the no-inflatables rule, let’s teach our children that old men are hiding in the shrubbery, watching their every move.
  • Santa peeing a stream of yellow christmas lights from the chimney to the virgin snow below. Yes, it was funny the first few times, but really?!?! We’re letting an incontinent old man pee off the roof?

 (Okay. It’s still funny.)