Have Yourself an Eco-Friendly Christmas

It turns out that some scientists think we’re headed for a mass extinction. Merry Christmas!

chimney-exhaust-gases-factory-60575I guess our greedy attitude about the world’s resources is taking its toll on the oceans, rain forests, various ecosystems and the ability for celebrities to own a different fur coat for every day of the week.

In order to reverse this Christmatasrophe, we need to change our crappy behavior. I’ve put together some new holiday rules that might just save the planet. (You can thank me later.)

  • Due to the inversion, chestnuts can no longer be roasted on an open fire. Chestnuts can instead be microwaved and then sprayed with a chemical-free Roasting Chestnut air freshener.
  • In accordance with PETA guidelines, reindeers will not be allowed to fly for 24 hours without a bathroom or smoke break.
  • Naughty children will no longer receive lumps of coal, but will instead be given a stocking full of organic Brussel sprouts. (Much worse than coal.)
  • Colorful Christmas packages can only be wrapped in old newspaper, making them neither colorful nor timely.
  • Thanks to global warming, dreaming of a White Christmas is no longer allowed.
  • No Christmas trees can be displayed unless they’re made from reclaimed barn wood.
  • With the rapid rise in STDs, mistletoe can no longer be hung at office parties. (All other unacceptable behavior has been canceled.)
  • Christmas carolers can only go door-to-door with the proper permits and background checks.
  • The phrase, “Let your heart be light” only applies if your heart is powered by solar panels.
  • Because of the increasing number of people with diabetes, cookies for Santa are no longer allowed.
  • No family can send out Christmas newsletters. (Not to save the planet. I just don’t want to read them.)
  • Due to the melting of the polar ice caps, Santa’s workshop is being relocated to Canada.

While these changes are great, it’s not just our harmful environmental attitudes that need a holiday makeover.

Unregulated capitalism in America has created a society of materialistic little buggers (i.e. teenagers) who are never content. Cutting back on holiday extravagance could remind your family the importance of the season. As Thoreau once said, “Simplify, simplify.” (Although you’d think he could have said it once.)

You can tell your kids you’re trying to save money or you can tell your kids that Putin has “annexed” the North Pole and put a sanction on gifts made in Kris Kringle’s workshop. Whatever works.

Decorate your home with nature. Pine cones, dried leaves, artfully arranged twigs and fresh pine boughs (cut from your neighbor’s tree) can add a beautiful touch to a mantel or centerpiece. I went in my backyard to find some nature but only discovered little piles of Christmas spirit left for me by my dog.

For Christmas dinner, whip up a delicious batch of grass fed, locally-grown, free range sweet potatoes. Forgo the annual ham or turkey and try a fresh holiday green salad. (Don’t cook reindeer burgers, unless you want PETA to jump out from behind your couch and smack it out of your hand.) You could even give your guests a paper bag full of food scraps as a Start Your Own Compost Kit.

abandoned-abandoned-building-building-938044Then, on Christmas morning, while you’re sitting with your family amidst piles of gifts made from recycled soda cans, old socks and discarded toilet paper rolls, you can bask in the warmth of an eco-friendly Christmas. Or, according to scientists, it might be the warmth of poisonous gases trapped in the earth’s atmosphere. Happy holidays.

Idioms for Dummies

It would be fair to assume the word “idiom” meant “a gathering of idiots.” But you would be wrong. Funny, but wrong. An idiom is an expression whose figurative meaning is different from its literal meaning. For instance, to rub someone the wrong way means you’ve annoyed someone, not that you suck at giving massages.

Anyway. Here’s a list of random idioms and other random words to go with them.

  • A blessing in disguise. This means something really crappy happened and if you’re lucky, something good will happen several years down the road.
  • You can’t judge a book by its cover. (Especially now when no one reads books. Thanks, Kindle.)
  • A leopard cannot change his spots. True (unless it uses Olay Spot Corrector). But a leopard can hide in the bushes, track you through GPS, hang your photos in his lair and follow you on every social media platform.
  • Don’t cry over spilt milk. I always cry over spilt milk, because I’m usually the one cleaning it up.


  • Going to hell in a hand basket. (Self-explanatory.)
  • Idle hands are the devil’s workshop. He puts you to work weaving hand baskets.
  • No room to swing a cat. This is PETA’s least-favorite idiom.
  • Let the cat out of the bag. (PETA’s second-least-favorite idiom.) Once you let the cat out of the bag, you’d better run like hell because that cat’s gonna be pissed.
  • Practice makes perfect. Not true. After years of practicing being an adult, I’ve decided practice makes frustrated.


  • Run out of steam. Since our homes don’t run on steam, this could mean running out of solar power. That’s not good because then we’re all screwed.
  • Having a sixth sense. This handy talent means you can talk to spirits or receive psychic communication. A seventh sense allows you to communicate with teenagers and small animals.
  • It’s a piece of cake. Referring to something easily done, a piece of cake also easily screws up my intentions to eat healthy.
  • Last but not least. Something you say to your kids when they finish last. It sounds much better than, “You’re the biggest loser. And you’re walking home.”
  • And finally . . .


(It’s illegal in Utah.)