I Use Words Good

I’ve been known to make words up. Usually swear words. But, still . . .

Anyway.

Time magazine studied why some made-up or blended words work. Successful examples include: affluenza (a lack of motivation affecting young wealthy people), dramedy (a drama/comedy–much like Congress) and Brangelina (the joining of two amazingly gorgeous people). The magazine also studied why some words don’t work. For instance, wonut (a waffle-donut) didn’t really catch on. Neither did swacket (a sweater-jacket).

swacket

(Please, don’t make this a thing.)

Words fascinate me. People with the literary superpower to craft magical sentences are my heroes. They wave their pens around and stories, sentences and words appear.

Here are some words I’ve created that you are free to use (at no charge):

Mayonnatheist: Someone who doesn’t believe in using mayonnaise. (I’m a devoted mayonnatheist.)

Pantaloony: Wearing crazy underwear.

Handitosis: The act of exhaling into your hand to check for bad breath.

Furricane: When your dog attacks you with love when you get home from work.

Spanxgst: That feeling of anxiety when you’re trying to put on Spanx.

spanx

Slambunctious: Rowdy people loudly closing doors.

Meloncholy: Feeling sad when someone eats the last piece of cantaloupe.

Karmageddon: When your stupid actions destroy the world.

Narcissistissippi: Someone who is very proud of his spelling skills.

Spambiguous: Describing the “meat” in a hot dog.

Ostrichsize: To exclude ostriches from social groups.

Dolphinoceros: A damn cool fishimal.

Fartitude: Being able to hold in a fart during yoga class.

Hempathy: Feeling bad for someone whose dress is obviously too short.

Have you created any super words?

Reality Pageants

Summer brings mosquito bites, melted snow-cones and beauty queens in parades. As a community reporter, I’ve sat through many beauty pageants, cringing as teenage girls offer themselves up for physical, mental and emotional critique.

judge

Unless you’re 4-years-old, or were born in Buckingham Palace, tiaras are not everyday accessories. But young women nearly kill themselves to get bikini-ready so male judges can gawk and rate them. In any other situation, adult males ogling teenage girls would get them landed in the county jail.

Organizers of these “scholarship” pageants say they are promoting education, but I don’t remember when education required walking across the stage in teeny bits of fabric and high heels. Or twirling fiery batons while singing “God Bless America.” Or having a veneered smile, and no pores whatsoever.

Girls have enough pressure to be beautiful without the pressure of pageant preparation. I’m advocating the ban of beauty pageants, unless the following guidelines are met:

Include a hot dog eating contest: This will force contestants to eat at least one meal. I talked to one pageant participant who hadn’t had a solid meal for three months. She was very thin, but about as healthy as a doorframe.

Be heard in a room full of men: This could be the talent portion of the program. Young women need to learn to have their voices heard without dealing with condescending comments like, “Isn’t that a cute idea?” or “You leave thinking to us men. You just need to look pretty.” I call bulls***.

Enough with the haters: Recently, the gorgeous Miss Thailand stepped down as Miss Universe in part because of nasty remarks made on the Internet. She was booed, jeered and even called “chubby” by the Neanderthals roaming social media pages. Get a grip you moronic heathens!

Thailand

(She even looks pretty when she cries. I didn’t think that was humanly possible.)

Be honest about fitness/diet:  Don’t tell me you eat cheeseburgers and onion rings on a regular basis–unless by “regular basis” you mean on Maytober 31. Tell people how you only eat jicama, kale and blueberries, and work your A** off every day in the gym with your personal trainer.

Detail a budget:  It’s lovely that you want world peace. But be prepared to demonstrate how you can earn 30 percent less than your male colleagues, and still afford groceries, utility bills and those weekly manicures.

Must be over 35:  Most teenage girls, and young women, can rock a bikini. But find me a woman who’s given birth to three children who still wears a swimming suit AT ALL, and suddenly the pageant is much more realistic.

No male Judges: Men, unless you’re Neil Patrick Harris, chances are you’ve never had to walk in heels, wax your eyebrows and nether regions, or look cute while answering impromptu questions about world politics. Women judges only. In fact, men shouldn’t be allowed in the building.

hedwig

 (This guy knows the pain of living in heels.)

 And don’t get me started on child beauty pageants.