To Infinity and Beyond

As our country devolves into a 24/7 protest, people are casting their eyes to the stars. They’re either hoping for a) an asteroid to hit the planet, b) our alien overlords to save us from catastrophe or c) the chance to flee to Mars to populate (and eventually destroy) another planet.

astronomy-earth-lunar-surface-87009Life on this beautiful blue marble (or beautiful blue dinner plate if you’re a flat-Earther) has had a good run. We’ve evolved from being hunters/gatherers to being couch potatoes while creating technology that is certain to bring about our impending doom. Do we really need a talking fridge?

But Mars! Oh, the possibilities!

I envision a world where everyone lives in hexagonal domes, speaks in British-accented tones, and wears white flowing robes. That could be a problem. I can’t wear white, even when I’m not living on a planet covered in red dust. Every night I would look like a red chimney sweep.

NASA wants to send the first humans to Mars in the 2030s, which creates an interesting predicament. I’ll be too old to populate anything, but every planet needs a wise old woman giving cryptic warnings to the younger generation. I could fill that role, assuming I survive the seven-month journey to the Red Planet.

The possibility of relocating to the planet of war has become an animated discussion in our home.

Me: Would you want to live on Mars?

Hubbie: Of course!

Me: Wouldn’t you be afraid we’d die on the way there?

Hubbie: Wait. You’re going, too?

Seven months is a long time to give someone the silent treatment.

Describing the flight to Mars, NASA uses magical terms like “transfer orbit” and “astronomical position” which I’ve learned are NOT part of the Kama Sutra. Voyagers traveling to Mars could lose fingernails, have spinal fractures and vision problems, and there’s always the chance you’ll upchuck in your spacesuit and suffocate after blocking the air system with your intergalactic vomit. So, there’s that.

Once we land, we’ll spend a lot of time cleaning up abandoned movie sets that Abbott and Costello, Matt Damon and Santa Claus basically trashed during filming. But once that’s done, then what do we do?

I guess people will build greenhouses and grow food. I won’t be on that crew because I can’t even grow mold. Others will install solar panels. Solar companies are already training door-to-door salesmen for the Mars market.

ai-artificial-intelligence-astronomy-73910There will be a team working on communications so we can keep up with our favorite Netflix shows and hopefully someone will open a really good Mexican restaurant.

Space enthusiasts have wanted off-Earth colonization for decades. There’s been discussion about creating a city on the moon, but scientists feared people would treat it like a giant bounce-house and not get anything accomplished. Plus, one day on the moon is equal to one month on Earth. And you thought an 8-hour workday was bad.

Venus was never an option. With skin-melting temperatures, acid rain and a super-dense atmosphere, Venus was too much like Alabama in August. However, nights on Venus can last up to 120 days. Maybe then I could actually get eight hours of sleep.

So, Mars it is.

What if once we get settled, we find a prehistoric Statue of Liberty, buried in the red clay? We’ll discover that billions of years ago, people left Mars to travel to Earth because idiots were destroying the Red Planet. Like one of those giant leaps for mankind, only backwards.

There’s no chance of me relocating to another planet. But I can still stare at the stars and watch Mars twinkle in the distance. I just hope it’s not flat like Earth.


The Truth is Out There

At the risk of losing the respect of 89 percent of the human race, I have to admit my guilty pleasure: watching Ancient Aliens. It’s so amazingly serious, with its deadpan narration and “authentic” illustrations, that you can’t help but step inside its lunacy.

According to the show, pretty much everything on this planet has been created by aliens. From volcanoes to the pyramids, from Twinkies to cancer, aliens have used Earth as a mad scientist lab to test our intelligence and threshold of gullibility. (BTW, we failed the intelligence part but aced the gullibility.)


(Please let this happen in my lifetime.)

Ancient Aliens has “proven” that a great number of the country’s founding fathers were convinced there was life on other planets, and even documented the first U.S. alien abduction in the late 1700s.

The show goes on to explain that aliens destroyed the dinosaurs so humans could be introduced to earth. Its “experts” showed fossilized images of human footprints walking next to dinosaurs as proof. Lucky! I always wanted a pet dinosaur.


(This chart scares the shit out of me.)

Did you know Stonehenge was a UFO landing site? Did you know the Pharaohs were actually our alien overlords?  Were you aware the Ark of the Covenant was a nuclear device?ark

(That Indiana Jones movie nailed it.)

If highly intelligent beings visited our planet thousands of years ago, where did they go? How come they’re not building super cool things like microchips, satellites and gluten-free donuts?

Or are they . . .? I always wondered about Bill Gates. . .