At the risk of losing the respect of 89 percent of the human race, I have to admit my guilty pleasure: watching Ancient Aliens. It’s so amazingly serious, with its deadpan narration and “authentic” illustrations, that you can’t help but step inside its lunacy.

According to the show, pretty much everything on this planet has been created by aliens. From volcanoes to the pyramids, from Twinkies to cancer, aliens have used Earth as a mad scientist lab to test our intelligence and threshold of gullibility. (BTW, we failed the intelligence part but aced the gullibility.)

(Please let this happen in my lifetime.)

Ancient Aliens has “proven” that a great number of the country’s founding fathers were convinced there was life on other planets, and even documented the first U.S. alien abduction in the late 1700s.

The show goes on to explain that aliens destroyed the dinosaurs so humans could be introduced to earth. Its “experts” showed fossilized images of human footprints walking next to dinosaurs as proof. Lucky! I always wanted a pet dinosaur.

(This chart scares the shit out of me.)

Did you know Stonehenge was a UFO landing site? Did you know the Pharaohs were actually our alien overlords?  Were you aware the Ark of the Covenant was a nuclear device?

(That Indiana Jones movie nailed it.)

If highly intelligent beings visited our planet thousands of years ago, where did they go? How come they’re not building super cool things like microchips, satellites and gluten-free donuts?

Or are they . . .? I always wondered about Bill Gates. . .