Traffic Control


I’ve avoided writing a traffic blog, because complaining about traffic is such a cliche. But instead of bitching about how most Utah drivers graduated from the Fast and Furious Driving School for Sexually-Repressed Individuals, I thought I’d explain some of the rules for the most common violations.

Maybe drivers aren’t intentionally causing mayhem on the roads, maybe they’re just dumbasses. Here’s a quick refresher course for driving safely (and courteously) on the roads.

Red lights: This device, originally intended to stop traffic, is now used as a panhandling kiosk. If you actually stop your car at a red light, you must avoid eye contact with the person holding the “Anything helps” sign.

Solid White lines: Don’t cross a solid white line unless it’s clear, because sneaky sons-of-bitches like to cross the line behind you so you can’t merge safely.



4-way stops: If you’re not sure how to navigate a 4-way stop, just drive your sorry ass back home and throw your driver’s license in the garbage disposal.

Cell phones: Unless you’re a death-row inmate, waiting for a pardon from the governor, there is no reason to be on your phone while driving. And if you’re a death-row inmate talking on a phone in the car, you’ve obviously escaped, stolen the nearest Honda Accord and are taking one last joy ride. Hang up and enjoy it.

Kids or Dogs Driving: Isn’t it cute how little Baby Boy is sitting on daddy’s lap, steering the vehicle? Ain’t it funny how  Fido perches on mommy’s thighs, while sticking his head out the window to bark at passing cars? Snap out of it! You don’t live in a freakin’ Disney movie. Babies and kids can’t drive. Use some adulting for cryin’ out loud.

Hopefully, this refresher course will keep you safe on the roads. Buckle up, my friends.

Top 5 Reasons I Hate My “Smart” Phone

I woke up recently and my beloved cell phone had a message for me. It said, “$#$@ you.” Then it rolled over and died. For good. I tried performing CPR but it was too late.

I LOVED my old cell phone. It let me call people. It let me text people. That was it. That’s all I wanted. I didn’t ask much and we had a great relationship.

cell phone(Good-bye, old friend.)

I HATE my new “smart” phone. Now, not only do I waste time playing Doodle Jump, and downloading apps–but it continually lets me know I’m not nearly as smart as this stupid little phone. Here are the top 5 reasons I hate my “smart” ass phone:

#1– I can’t answer the damn thing: So, I’m on my phone, trying to figure out Words With Friends (especially hard when you have no friends) and my phone starts ringing. I’m pushing all kinds of buttons, trying to slide the screen, whatever it takes. Nothing. Can’t figure out how to answer the *%**#@ phone.

#2–The sticky screen: You’d think I sweat maple syrup from my fingers. Either that, or I have a serious ear wax problem that’s gone undiagnosed for years. My phone’s screen is constantly attracting stickiness. And if I try to clean the screen, I turn on all kinds of apps that I had no intention of opening. Or I call China.

#3–The keyboard: I never realized my fingertips were so freaking huge. I take my cucumber-size fingers, and dumbly punch at numbers on my phone (leaving a sticky residue), and never quite spelling out texts the way I’d like. I’m sick of typing, “Wher ar your meettinh mr?” Or sending half-finished texts because I accidentally hit send.

mytouch(My new phone: The myBadTouch.)

#4–The ultra-sensitive screen: Only teenage girls are more sensitive than my phone. If I’m trying to tap a specific app (see “cucumber-size fingers”), I’ll punch everything around it, bringing up all kinds of garbage. Or, I’ll push directly on the button–and it lights up, meaning, yes, it was tapped. No response. Just a slow b-l-i-n-k as the phone shuts itself off. And I often find that my cheek is playing Angry Birds while I’m trying to talk to my sister.

#5–No charge: No, I don’t mean my phone was free. I mean my phone goes through power like a Kardashian goes through plastic surgeons. My phone holds a charge like Lindsey Lohan holds her liquor. Not well. I feel like I’ve purchased a ’90s Giga-Pet that needs to fed, loved and nurtured 24/7.

giga pet(It was irritating then. More irritating now.)

Maybe one day, I’ll fall in love with my phone. Maybe one day, my phone will accidentally fly off the nearest overpass. Maye one day, I’ll just take my big fingers and buy a rotary phone.