Utah 2015: A Recap

Utah survived another year but several significant events made headlines, including Mormon preppers convinced the world was coming to an end on Sept. 28. Didn’t happen. But here are some things that did happen:

President Obama visits Utah

In a token gesture to our super-white, super-conservative and super-Republican state, President Barack Obama reluctantly stepped off an airplane at the Salt Lake airport and spent the next 16 hours trying to get out of Utah.

During his first visit to the state, President Obama spoke at Hill Air Force Base, blocked traffic in downtown Salt Lake, created a security headache for several agencies and reportedly slept in a Sheraton Hotel to demonstrate he just didn’t give a s*** about Utah’s hotel options. In less than 20 hours, he was back on Air Force One, getting the hell out of Dodge.

obama

(“Where are we?” Prez Obama asks.)

Prison Relocation Plan

Because this is still a thing, the Utah Prison Relocation Commission selected a new prison site near 1-80 and 7200 West in what is currently an undevelopable marsh similar to the planet Dagobah (in the Dagobah system).

Land developers who own the land surrounding the current prison in Draper said, “Moving the prison has nothing to do with the fact that the prison sits on prime real estate and we will make a (figurative) killing once this penal colony is relocated to Dagobah.”

The mayor of every other city listed as a potential prison site breathed a huge sigh of relief that this “blessing in disguise” would not be “blessing” their communities.

Utah beats BYU in the Las Vegas Bowl

As a Christmas gift to the state’s football fans, the University of Utah faced Brigham Young University in Las Vegas at the lazily-named Las Vegas Bowl. Utah haughtily accepted the match-up, convinced they would stomp the Cougars into poker chips. After jumping to a 35-0 lead, the U’s defense sat it out the rest of the game, with BYU racking the score up to 35-28.

After the loss, BYU Coach Bronco Mendenhall stormed off the field, threw his clothes in a duffel bag, hopped in his 1968 Volkswagen Beetle and drove to the University of Virginia.

Utah man returns $22,000

While driving down I-80, a Utah man stopped to move a bag that had fallen out of a Brink’s armored truck onto the highway. The bag contained piles of cash, totaling more than $20,000.

Not believing his good luck, the man looked both ways, put the bag in his trunk and drove home but made the mistake of telling his wife about it who punched his arm repeatedly until he called the police to report the bag of cash.

“I should have kept my mouth shut,” said every married man in the world.

cash

(This could have been your bed, Utah guy.)

LGBT anti-discrimination bills passed /LDS Church pisses people off

Historic legislation in 2015 granted Utah’s LGBT residents the freedom from employment and housing discrimination. Gay rights advocates celebrated the new law saying, “It’s about freakin’ time!”

“Not so fast,” the LDS Church replied. A change in the church’s policy handbook was leaked to a ravenous press, explaining that members in same-sex relationships are apostates and their children must disavow the practice of homosexuality in order to participate in church ordinances.

The policy stirred worldwide outcry and prompted thousands of “members”, who had already stopped going to church years ago, to officially turn in their membership cards and keys to the cultural hall/basketball court.

Utah’s population exceeds 3 million

In what was sarcastically described as a “stunning achievement” the three-millionth Utahn was born in 2015. This “stunning achievement” was attributed to millions of couples having sex in the state since Utah was granted statehood in 1896.

It’s been projected that the state will have 4 million residents by 2031.

“That’s a challenge I’m willing to accept,” said every man in Utah.

Jackie Biskupski is elected mayor of Salt Lake City

In a narrow victory, Jackie Biskupski beat incumbent Ralph Becker to become the new mayor of Salt Lake.  As an openly-gay, single parent, newly-engaged Salt Lake mayor, Biskupski said her election was meaningful on many levels, but mostly she was excited about her cool, new office which she was super-excited to move into.

In a poorly-executed plan to boost morale, Biskupski quickly asked for resignation letters from most of the city’s department heads, except for former Chief of Police Chris Burbank who had “resigned” earlier in 2015.

The Governor cuts funding for Planned Parenthood 

Because men can’t seem to stop trying to control women’s bodies, federal funding for Planned Parenthood clinics around the country is in jeopardy. After a secret video emerged detailing the alleged sale of aborted fetal tissue, legislators crapped their collective shorts and decided to cut off the organization’s funding.

Utah’s Governor Herbert told state agencies to stop giving money to Utah chapters of Planned Parenthood. Because Utah.

Although the health organization helps women with sex education, STD testing, pap tests, pregnancy and birth control options, the guv felt it necessary to stop funding Planned Parenthood “Because I don’t really know what they do.”

In an updated projection, Utah is expected to have 14 million residents by 2031.

Obama has vowed never to visit the state again.

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