Even if you’ve been freebasing Mountain Dew Voltage, eating sugar straight from the bag, or enduring a 5-Hour Energy Drink enema, chances are, if you’re stuck in an afternoon meeting, you will fall asleep.
It doesn’t matter if you’re attending a conference in Disneyworld, enduring a church meeting on a warm summer day or sitting in a department meeting in an uncomfortable chair. You will fall asleep.
If you’re out of town, you probably stayed awake all night, listening to the family of six (elephants) stamp across the floor in the room overhead. If you’re in Vegas, you’re freaking out about the money you lost at the craps table. If you’re in church, the speaker’s voice drones on like a buzzing bee. You will fall asleep.
After a big lunch, it’s easy to drift off and do that funky head bob while trying to pay attention. With no end in sight, and no Internet access, you’re almost certain to embarrass yourself with lots of snoring and sleep farting. You will fall asleep.
But maybe that can be avoided! Here are my five favorite things to keep me awake during afternoon meetings.
- Bark: Maybe you make short little yipping noises, or full-on “enraged Pit bull”. Either way will stimulate your adrenaline to keep you awake just a little longer. CAUTION: Don’t bite anyone. Even the boring as s*** speaker.
- Cell phone alarm: When you can tell you’re getting sleepy, set your phone alarm to go off every 10 minutes. It’s super obnoxious and you’ll stay awake trying to shut it off before anyone can hear it. Option: create an app that delivers an electric shock every few minutes.
- Take off a layer of clothing: You shouldn’t take off your pants, but whatever keeps you awake. Being overly warm is a sure-fire way to doze off around 2 p.m. You’ll feel your eyelids touch and realize you can’t re-open them. Your eyebrows will do that “I’m trying to lift your lids and open your eyes” dance, which is a sure giveaway you’re sleeping.
- Create a diversion: After you feel your head bob three times in a row, jump out of your seat and yell, “Was that the bat signal?!” Then run out of the room, pulling on the black cape that you brought for just such a situation.
5. Start the wave: This bored-sports-fan (mostly wives and children) favorite activity gets everyone in the room up and moving. It might take a few times of you doing the wave alone before it starts to catch on, but don’t give up. Just keep on wavin’.
It’s funny how much energy you have once you leave the office. You could climb Mt. McKinley or wrestle alligators. Enjoy it while it lasts!