Now that all the hoopla has died down about the birth of The Royal Baby of the Universe (aka Prince George of Cambridge), we can take a step back and be grateful we’re not raising a royal child. Granted, some children are royal pains in the neither-regions, but that’s not quite the same.

(One day your royal child will rule the world. Just sayin’.)

Here are some things you need to do if you are raising a child who(m) will one day inherit an irrelevant throne:

• Keep all spinning wheels locked up. You don’t need some crazy old hag trying to get your child to prick his/her finger all the time.
• Don’t insult aforementioned old hags who attend your child’s christening. (Picture a close-minded mother-in-law. Times fourteen gazillion. Could be yucky.)

(Would you intentionally piss this woman off?)

• Teach your child the difference between real clothes and the Emperor’s clothing line. We have enough nude photos of royal family members, thank you very much.
• Don’t piss off any gnomes you might pass in the woods. Everyone knows a gnome is a magical creature who can bestow riches or steal happiness. Duh.
• Choose your child’s royal role models wisely. Avoid the King Midas syndrome. That creepy, creepy Burger King dude. And the off-the-wall, mean-as-s*** King Joffrey.

(Spanked too much or not enough?)

• Prince-specific lessons: Teach your young prince to beware of a young woman who a) loses glass shoes, b) lives in a houseful of dwarves, c) has long, flowing hair and resides in a witch-guarded tower, d) is part fish, e) has been asleep for 100 years. Also be careful in dealing with orphans, jesters, grand viziers or Amway salesmen.
• If you happen to get turned into a frog, kiss your prince/princess carefully.
• As a royal parent, don’t make deals with anyone named Rumpelstiltskin.

According to history, your child has every intent of doing the exact opposite of what you teach him–whether or not your child is “royal.” So the above list will do no good whatsoever. Chances are, you’ll raise a sadistic, greedy, insane, frog-killing prince who will one day have his own offspring. Good luck with that.