Anyone who knows me is aware that I’m socially inept. Parties, get-togethers, mingles–whatever you want to call it, social interaction gives me hives. I could kick myself for not taking that “How to Make Small Talk” class at the local community college.

(That awkward moment when everybody has said they are “fine”, and there’s nothing else to say.)

And because the holidays are the source of all stress and anger, holiday parties are the worst. Here are some tricks I’ve developed to survive any holiday party situation:

• Ask the hostess if you can help. While setting out napkins and toothpicks, you can locate all the exits.
• Show up early to greet guests. After you meet each guest, you can know which ones you’ll want to avoid. (For me, this is usually everyone.)
• Research a topic and speak about it at length.The longer you speak on a subject, the fewer people will stay around you. By speaking, in-depth, about the discovery of penicillin, you should be all alone within minutes. Mission accomplished.
• Don’t dance on the table in your cocktail dress. Unless it’s that kind of party. Then, definitely dance on the table. (Note to self: Make sure to wear underwear.)

(I’m not the one dancing on the table. I’m sitting on the stairs, wishing I was dead.)

• Introduce yourself to a stranger. I don’t mean the weird guy sitting in the gutter next to your car, I mean someone at the party who doesn’t know you’re a complete social disaster. He’ll figure it out.
• Don’t sing Christmas carols. Self-explanatory and important.
• Keep food in your mouth  This helps you not make any stupid remarks. Or if you say something stupid, it’s usually unintelligible due to the large amount of crab dip shoved in your face.
• Have a signal when you’re ready to leave. If you’re like me and married to a socially responsible person, they’ll probably want to stay and enjoy themselves. My husband and I have worked out a signal so he knows when I’ve had enough. This signal  involves me grabbing him by the arm and dragging him out of the room. We have a deal that I can’t give him the signal until we’ve been at the party for at least 5 minutes.

Follow these handy tips and you’ll survive the holidays with your sanity, dignity and respect all in place.