Things My Dad Taught Me

While my mom taught me how to read, write and cheat at Skip-Bo, my dad also contributed to my up-bringing–whether he wants to admit it or not.

Here are some important things my dad taught me:

How to make Lumpy Dick (Real name. I swear): One of dad’s favorite snacks. Mix flour, boiling water, milk. Eat. (Same recipe for paste. Same flavor, too.)

(All this needs is chocolate, sugar, walnuts, oatmeal, coconut and cinnamon.)

How to solder circuit boards: Just in case this whole writing thing doesn’t work out.

How to catch Santa Claus: Each Christmas, dad would convince us he’d set the perfect trap for Santa, saying, “So then we can take ALL his toys!” We’d stay up all night, fretting, knowing that Santa could be maimed or even killed. Thank heavens, Santa escaped every year, leaving my dad a stocking full of coal.

How to enjoy reading Sci-Fi: Whether it was mutant elephants from space or Amazon women abducted by aliens, my dad would pay me a penny-a-page to read his favorite science fiction novels. Not only did I learn a LOT about alien/human sex, I earned quite a bit o’ money. (BONUS: It made my mom mad because she didn’t think my dad’s books were appropriate. She was right.)

(Most of dad’s books had women in various states of undressedness. Makes for interesting reading when you’re in 5th grade.)

How to love pyrotechnics: My first “fireworks” were the black snake tablets my dad brought me home. He showed me how to stack the entire box of snakes and light them on fire. It was awesome watching the ash snakes slither out of the sidewalk. We moved on to firecrackers (illegal), Roman candles (illegal at the time) and his heavy, miniature cannon that blew out my eardrums. I still love fireworks.

Dad let me watch B horror movies, drink Coke (another thing my mom wouldn’t let me do), stay outside until it was dark and go to work with him, where I’m sure I drove him crazy.

(With his great-granddaughter. A whole new generation to corrupt!!!)

Happy Belated Father’s Day, Dad!

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10 thoughts on “Things My Dad Taught Me

  1. Hi Peri, this is your Dad. I don’t remember any of those things . My books however were always the best. It was not the books that I lost money on. It was the danddylions that I paid to have pulled at 1 cent each. I never specified that they had to come from our yard, ( went broke). Love you.

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  2. I remember every one of those things! (Along with your Mom’s disapproval!) Enjoyed your memories.

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  3. What a lovely post!! I have to say …. there are many blogs I follow but not often read, yours however I await because I love them! Short, sweet, comical, true to life and downright good!!! SO thank you 🙂

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  4. Fireworks? Trapping Santa? Your dad is so cool. 🙂 Delightful in fact! 🙂 My mother is pretty awesome too – she taught me that the contents of Freddie Mercury’s pants are his alone. Plus other things, obviously. 😉 http://www.jessseeker.com/2012/06/11/the-contents-of-freddie-mercurys-pants-are-his-alone-and-other-things-my-mother-taught-me/
    Great post. 🙂 I might give this lumpy dick a go. 😀

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