There are many signs that fall is upon us, especially in Utah. The mountains are gorgeous with autumn leaves, the air is crisp and clean, and tank tops are put away for another year. (Sigh.) But there are other, more subtle signs, like these top 5 ways to tell it’s fall in Utah.
#1. Orange is everywhere. Usually reserved for the ever-present road construction barriers in the state, in autumn, the men start wearing bright orange clothes so, when they go deer hunting, their friends won’t shoot them. But friends still shoot their hunting buddies. (“That’s part of the adventure, sweetie.”)
(This is how your hunter friend sees you after he’s downed a six-pack of Miller Lite.)
#2. School Vacation Days. Because going to school EVERY weekday is EXHAUSTING, October brings many days off of school for our young ‘uns. Fall recess is a 4-day weekend that parents can “bond” with their kids over the autumn splendor. And by “bond” I mean spend the weekend fighting until school starts again on Monday. Then there’s a day off for parent-teacher conferences, and any other day the school board throws in. I’m surprised they didn’t have Columbus Day (Columbus’ Day? Columbus’s Day? Columbi Day?) off. Or National Boss Day.
#3. Halloween candy. My nemesis. My downfall. My albatross. My secret love. Tis the season to stash bags of Halloween candy around the house. Not to give away to cute little princesses and cowboys on Halloween, but to sneak away and nibble on when life gets stressed. Like every day from dawn to dusk. And sometimes midnight.
(This is how I want to die. Face down in a pile of Halloween candy.)
#4. The Annual Deer Hunt. Once a year, the testosterone level in the state reaches its peak and men take to the hills to hunt the elusive, and dangerous, white-tail deer. Of course, they usually end up just getting drunk and shooting at each other (see #1) or wandering off and getting lost in the Rockies. Either way, it’s Darwin’s theory at its finest.
#5. Temperature Fluctuations. You wake up in the morning and it’s a brisk 45 degrees. You don sweaters, wooly socks and pants–and two hours later, when the temperature jumps to 75 degrees, you’re slowly roasting in your own juices. By bedtime, it’s freezing again. It’s like a striptease all day long. Take off the sweater, put on the shorts. Take off the shorts, put on the Snuggie. Repeat at least two more times daily.